Thread: Remember me?
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Old 11-29-2010, 05:28 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Hi rarechild. I had the honour of talking to catfish last week on the phone. I will tell you what I said to him in case it helps.

First of all the texting thing. I have found that if I am not feeling comfortable with the thought of saying out loud what my texts are to who I am with then I either don't respond to them until later or text that I am unable to respond right now. Oh boy did that end texting when I was around PN and Mono was texting me. It has been a good rule of thumb and has kept me respectful to others where texting is concerned.

Its quite a surprise that the trip you are going on is three nights long for a first time. A long time for a first over night experience, not to mention the location. Its a special place you are going and one you an CF frequent yourself I hear. I wonder if that is all part of his struggle. He says he thinks he will take a long time to get over that. I know I would be struggling with it. It would add to the pressure for sure for me. I like to reduce anxiety regardless of what I want by creating new places to go and easing up on time spent. Especially at the beginning. Babysteps into relationships seem to work better for me.

CF seems like a proud man who wants to be able to deal, but really, if you know that, then if it were me, I wouldn't push it. This isn't the time to push, but the time to do everything within your power and knowledge of your relationships to make it as easy as possible for him. Even if he says he's okay. He might be sucking it up, but that might not work out after and recentment can build really easily. Besides, what a gift to offer him boundaries that work for him entirely in cases like this. After all, you are getting a huge gift, why shouldn't he have a gift also.

A three night experience quite possibly will make it very difficult to come home after whereas an over night starter date is much easier to come home from. The reason is that there is all that time to become completely merged and connected to the point of no return. Falling into someone else becomes impossible not to do and to keep one foot with someone else is easier on an over night, giving perspective when its over. I find it very difficult to come home after three days with being with Mono. I don't think we have ever had that actually.

Coming home is HUGE I think. What are your plans for that? I find that I cannot justify staying in my gooey, lovey, emotional connection to the other the moment I see the one left at home. I don't think it is fair on them and I don't find it helpful to gush all over about the good time I've had or not. Its not my time, I have had a whole trip time of that. That moment we meet again is not mine to own, its theirs until we reconnect and I know they are comfortable, then I get to sit in my feelings and remember the lovely time I had. I find this to be very hard, but I don't think we get that luxury in poly relationships as we do mono ones.

I have more to add, but I have to get working here. Hope it helps, even if its hard to wrap ones head around and understand. More if you need it. You know where to find me.
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