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Old 11-29-2010, 03:29 PM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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Unhappy Yeppers!

Yes indeed i did hit the send button...

I forgot that I have his blackberry while I am in Canada though - so he didn't receive it until we were sitting down watching a movie, and he got a phone call from his brother...

I just couldn't bring it up myself...

So cowardly way of him getting the letter - he got it in the end... We had a good long chat, and cleared up some misconceptions and some mishandled communications on my part...
We have slightly different ways of speaking - he is very precise with the words he chooses whereas I am more descriptive and also suffer from Speech Dysphasia - which essentially means there is no direct link from my brain to my mouth...
So... the upshot is... he is feeling angry... I think... we need to talk some more, a lot more. But, he is at a place where he is feeling very angry with his friend, as well as me... also at a place where he doesn't want to mend his relationship with T, and wants me to focus on us and the kids right now...
which is of course very logical and what I need to do...but I still have the question of T in my mind... I need to at least be able to talk to T, and if that is going to hurt K then I am in a quandary... I really don't want to push the issue... but for my own sanity, just the sheer amount of shit I have to get through in the next year let alone all the crap from my past... I need T's support as well as K's... and this is all moot - cos T isn't bloody talking to us.
Anger aside, K is the most amazing man for accepting this (lol - I know there are plenty of other men out there who accept this, just saying K is to me the most amazing )... for being able to love me through this - I don't know that right now I could extend the same consideration to him... (Okay I could - but it would bring up so much baggage it would be like moving through superglue)

We hit a spot last night that has really bothered me... it was such a little thing... K turned the light off before I had even noticed he was getting ready for bed... then asked me if I was coming to bed (I was on my laptop)...

This triggered me off... made me feel like I was doing something wrong for sitting on the laptop, made me feel pressured to go to bed, and also triggered off some very bad memories from my marriage... *sigh* opposite sides of the bed... we talked about it a little... got to the point where I was explaining what was wrong (we had been talking back and forth for a little bit trying to figure it out) and I said, and had developed a tone, to not assume I am F*cking around on the laptop... at which point he got up and left the room telling me if I wanted to talk to P (my ex), I could do that...

I shut down due to the fact he had walked out while I was dealing with this stuff... I hate dealing with trigger points...we ended up finishing our talk... but there has been damage done... I am not sure yet how much or exactly what the damage is yet. I think it's possible that he has unresolved stuff from our poly talk (which hasnt been continued yet) that is coming out with this other stuff - just he doesn't want to bring it up or maybe doesn't realise himself...
Turning the light out without checking if I was packing up was so out of character for him... stupid thing to get upset about too...

*confusion is reigning supreme right now*
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