I had a lovely night in my own bed last night and grinned from ear to ear.
The nightmare I had was almost unbearable and I wish it would go away for ever. I haven't had it in a long time so I thought it was over...
It is always the same feelings.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a dock by a lake in the early North Western Ontario spring.. I knew the dock area well and knew that I could easily get tangled in weeds and that because I panic in water that isn't in a swimming pool, I could easily go under. I have a huge fear of water when I can't see the bottom. Not to mention that the air was still below freezing and therefore the water...
I didn't jump.
The feeling I had that night was one of overwhelming loneliness, sadness, hopelessness and no self worth. I had been dumped my my girlfriend and she and her friends had abandoned me. The town I lived in was small and the nearest place to go was two hours away driving. I didn't drive. I was stuck living with my parents after university and had no money, a useless degree and no one to spend time with... lesbians were not accepted at all in those days... I thought it was the end.
Needless to say I turned myself around and walked into a whole new life, but the nightmares have not stopped. I don't have the abandonment issues I once had... sometimes they return, but the rest of the feelings remain in this dream.
The dream is that I am trapped somewhere and can't leave. It changes but that stays the same, as much as the emotions. This time I had moved to England to live with my parents and left everyone behind. I was there to look after someones baby and I had no money to get home and no desire to look after the baby. I was crap at looking after my own in terms of lack of interest in babies... looking after one that isn't mine is a nightmare in itself.
In the dream I was completely numb with the emotions I had. I couldn't move. I just sat and looked at this baby and realized that I had no contact with those I love. I was so homesick and so hopeless...
Then I woke up in the morning to Mono crawling in beside me to hold me tight and let me lay my whole body on him... He made the snuggy noises I love so much and eventually I completely relaxed and feel into a deep sleep of complete joy.... later PN and LB came down and PN snuggled with me too. I could hear LB and Mono play their game together and chat.
May that dream never be my reality again.
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