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Old 11-28-2010, 09:46 PM
Raven Raven is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 42
Default Thinking, Looking, Studying Biology :p

I've spent a fair bit of time on OK Cupid lately. Added a lot of people to my "favorites" so I can see when they come online - somehow it's less intimidating to me to try to chat rather than sending a message. Spent a lot of time browsing profiles, looking at people's pictures and survey answers. One thing I've realized: I really am attracted more to the feminine at this point in my life. I don't know, maybe it's because Mal's so masculine that I have more of an overload of that. Or maybe it's my bi-curious being REALLY curious. But I'm not really "attracted" to profiles that look androgynous. A lot of them sound like they'd make great friends, but they aren't eliciting that "hmm!" feeling that the more feminine profiles tend to elicit on a regular basis. Not a big deal right now - I'm fishing for friends mostly anyways, hoping to create a network of people that have similar interests and beliefs that I can hang out with and spend time with. Just an interesting realization.

Kind of disappointed - I've missed the last three weeks of the group I joined at school, mostly because of events beyond my control, and now I'm going to miss this week's as well. It's almost looking like I may as well give up on that avenue for more friends until the semester's over. There's only two meetings left after that, assuming they meet till the end of the semester.

More thinking: I have mixed feelings lately about Mal's and my agreement to a OPP.

On the one hand, it's not something I think is a big deal right now. As I stated above, I'm feeling more and more attracted to femininity. And, I knew to start with that I was more interested in finding a female partner than a male partner - I'm bi curious and really think I would enjoy a same-sex sexual experience.

On the other hand, Mal and I both agree that having an agreement based on gender is, by its very nature, sexual discrimination. And Mal and I agree that it isn't based on logic. I know we're all conditioned by society to certain ideas, and one of the strongest of those ideas are gender roles and how those are supposed to work in relationships. Sure, Mal and I don't agree with them - actually, I really relate to transcending gender, to being a person with certain traits as vs. whether or not I'm appropriately feminine enough or maybe too masculine - but that doesn't mean they don't affect us, sometimes in deep and disturbing ways.

Back to the first hand, I feel for Mal: he had 5 ex's before me and 4 of them left him for another guy after cheating on him with the other guy. When I first started dating him, it had been more than a year since his last ex had left him, and he still was strongly affected by it. When Mal commits to someone, he gives his all, and he had almost given up on making those kinds of commitments because he'd been burned so many times. So I know he isn't faking it or just being pissy when he says that he has a strong emotional reaction to the thought of me being with another guy.

Back to the other hand, there's a part of me that's kind of offended for my gender that Mal would be upset by me being with another guy, but not by me being with a girl: IMNSHO, either type of relationship should be of equal strength and worth. Maybe he *should* feel threatened by me being with a girl.

Back to the first hand, I don't really feel that I need a second male partner, certainly not at the moment; it isn't like there's someone waiting in the wings. Is it really fair of me to push Mal on this issue when it's very painful for him and has no obvious gain? On the other hand, I definitely don't want to wait until there IS someone in the wings - that would make any discussion much more difficult.

Another worry of mine: Mal has said that since he understands that there isn't a good logical reason for the OPP, then he won't have another female partner unless I share her - he wants this to be fair. I've read a lot on here, and I've realized that most triads turn into vee's. I've expressed to him that I'd really hate to start a triad only to have his relationship with the woman turn in to the stronger one, and then to have him break off a perfectly good relationship with someone we both like just because I'm no longer romantically involved and he feels the need to have a "fair" OPP. He's listened, and I don't think either of us have a good answer yet.

I guess it'll probably take a lot of discussion - and time - before we can come to a final conclusion (if there's anything really final about a relationship).

Meanwhile, I'm doing a lot of studying for biology - as mentioned, finals are in three weeks. Wish me luck lol
Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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