View Single Post
  #11  
Old 11-28-2010, 05:22 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Hi Bunny - and welcome. Thanks for opening up and sharing with us. Bunch of good folks here and I think you'll find some bits of wisdom that may help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
However, every now and then we keep hitting a road block to perfect happiness. Because of it, I get so depressed and don't know what to do.
Yep, as someone else already mentioned, all relationships are like this. No need to get depressed. That's just self indulgence. Just hold on to the fact that you have to work through the downs and celebrate the ups. My opinion only .....the 'ups' are worth it all


Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
....Almost all the time now, my partner get depressed over the fact that we are in a monogamous relationship. From what I can understand, he comes to resent me because he feels I am holding him back. He has dated more than one woman at the same time in the past and had threesomes, etc. He says he feels like some sort of failure because he cannot go out and flirt with other girls and have new experiences. He really is depressed over the idea of never sleeping with any other woman ever again. He is probably poly, but has never used the term to describe himself. He wants to date people to feel better about himself and because being with just me bores him (maybe partly due to his having ADD).
I think most every guy, especially at some point fairly early in a marriage/committed relationship, has this feeling. Trapped. Lots of women do too. On the one hand, reality is that you are seldom 'missing out' on as much as your imagination tries to tell you. On the other hand you MAY miss something very special. I think that's a big part of the poly realization for many. They may not be 'looking' but want to be open should something materialize. And I think that's a healthy perspective.
But the ADD etc does play a role in this for sure, and I think you both need to have honest conversations about that. It's a big player in his feeling of unsettledness.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
When he gets depressed, I get even more depressed. He is moody, grumpy, looks at me with disgust, won't sleep with me, hides away to smoke/read for hours, etc. It's hard to not feel like crap when he is like this.
Moods following each other - again pretty standard for being human. Especially when people are close. I'd talk about this just so everyone is aware. Unless you are cruel & uncaring, once you become aware of this, you try to balance your moods better. Teamwork........


Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
Also, while I am mentally ok with polyamory, etc. (I think consenting adults can do whatever they want), I just feel like it is not for me. Personally, I think I would be perfectly ok with dating more than one person at one time, until I grew to really care about one person and then I would want to be exclusive. I say "think", because I don't really know.
Ok - let's play the "Why" game here........

WHY do you feel it's not for you ? Would you be troubled by more than one person caring for you ? List reasons why

WHY do you feel you would have to withhold yourself, physically or emotionally, from people you "care" about, just because you happened to "care" more about one on a given moment ?

What did the other do to justify your sudden rejection and abandonment?


Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
..............
Also, through out middle school and high school, I faced a lot of emotional, verbal and physical abuse by both girls and boys. It wasn't because I was ugly or stupid. In fact, I am almost above normal in both those categories. Possibly, since I wasn't one of the rich/popular girls, I was considered socially un-dateable and un-fuckable. Some of my friends I had were also not that great (one in particular was good at suddenly not talking to me or doing mean things behind my back).
Ok - I may seem a bit snide here but I think we need to call a spade a spade.
Jr High & HS days are some of the most torturous days of our lives (for most people) But are all those cruel, ignorant people still hiding under your bed ? Or in your closet ?
Why are you still dragging them around with you ? Because you are.
It's a choice. Total choice. Think it's time to cut them loose yet at 28 ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
...........
As a result, I hate feeling excluded, having things going on behind my back, and feeling like something is wrong with me. I am usually perfectly fine and feel self-confident, but when my partner mentions his thoughts and feelings on wanting to sleep with other women, I get very depressed.
I'd propose his 'desires' are pretty normal. I'd be a lot more concerned if he WASN"T voicing it or didn't have those desires. I'm say what you will, I'm betting you have a few of your own. C'mon......be honest here
Question is now, how do you approach perfectly normal desires in a manner that benefits your existing relationship. If it were ALL about sex, that's really a no brainer. It's ONLY sex ! Big hoooooooo.
But it's unlikely all about 'sex'. It's about growing as a person. Learning more about who we really are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
I feel like I am not special, sexy, etc. I feel like I am a failure somehow.
Oh pulleeaaassseeeeee Bunny. Sorry. Not buying that for a moment Not true (I see confidence in your writing). That's a below the belt ploy

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
I don't have the same amount of experience as my partner. I have almost no sexual experience. He has said, somewhat jokingly, that he would be happier if I were a slut and bisexual, when I am straight and really tried my best to have experiences. I feel like he is judging me as unworthy and as some sort of prude.
Ok............
Would you LIKE to have more sexual experience ? Do you feel you'd be a more attractive partner if you did ? If so, I suggest you get to it
It's not likely he's 'judging' - as much as wishing. Tell him I said 'be careful what you wish for'
A true slut is a wonderful gift to have - for people secure in their own sexuality. But once you open that gate, there's no closing it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
Here I was happy just to find someone to love and spend time my time with. And here I was all happy to feel very attractive to someone (finally) and he seems to be attracted to all sorts of girls. Again, I end up not feeling special at all.
Bunny, as you know, being "attractive" consists of a lot more than just looking good, being intelligent, etc. It's a whole package thing. And yep, sexuality is part of that package, especially for guys.
I think if you could cultivate a bit of your 'slut' side you'd be even happier, more confident and suddenly discover you've magically become more "attractive". But it's an illusion that it's the sex that did it. Sex can just be the tool (one of) you can use to polish the real you. The happiness, the confidence......the 'glow' of being fully alive and creating your own life makes you attractive.

Think that's enough said for now.

Keep us posted.

GS

Last edited by NeonKaos; 11-28-2010 at 05:32 PM.
Reply With Quote