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Old 11-28-2010, 05:52 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Welcome to the forums. As a husband with a "sick" wife I might have a unique perspective. And one that will hopefully shed some light on his thoughts. I have no idea how long or what, but I am sure the effect would be similar.

Originally Posted by koifish View Post
My fiance and I had long talked about how nice it would be for us to find a girlfriend. I am bi, he is straight. So, by some miracle, we meet a woman who would actually really like to date a couple. She is very nice, very kind, very interesting, and we both find her very cute. And she thinks we're cute too, so it sounds good all around. :-)
Congrats, seriously. You have a working triad, just some...hiccups.

However, I have an illness that leaves me feeling pretty crummy a lot of the time. Though I fake it to the best of my ability, I never really feel normal. My fiance and I, before our girlfriend came along, had our own rhythms and patterns of doing things, a lot of which were based on my ups and downs. My lovely, dear, fiance would settle in with me and watch movies and shows and rub my back and cuddle on the nights (and there are too many) when I don't feel able to do anything else.
To look at this from his perspective. Were those rhythms and patterns satisfying to him. My wife is OCD, at her ... pique, she needs everything regimented and patterned. The problem is that begins to affect everyone around you. It is very difficult for those outside of the OCD circle to live within a pattern. We all do it, but there comes a need for ... separation.

At one point I was just asking for some degree of normalcy. I know this appears unfair, as she was suffering, however it was really affecting me. I needed that break.

Enter the new girlfriend. Through no one's fault, from the beginning she has stayed at our house most nights during the week.
No reason this can't be limited. They sound like they are more in the throws of NRE than you and her are. It would be polite to limit this to a reasonable amount.

She sleeps in the bed with my fiancee, while I sleep in a different room because I am a very light sleeper. I will go to bed earlier than them often because I don't have the energy to stay up as late. I wake up the next morning to find them very tired from fooling around/ having sex until late. I'll see scratch marks I didn't make on my fiance. I actually really don't like to hear that they've been having sex without me. I know this pricks up all of your poly ears out there as something I should work on not feeling. Maybe. It's so much worse when I don't feel good. I feel so left out. So left out.
If this is a triad, why don't you and HER make an effort to have girls time. This is 4 relationships. You have your husband and her to be with. Do you try and make time that way? Might help quell the feeling of not being included.

The not being included part is something I will commend you on. So many triads walk into a site like this and require all sides active at all times. You are past that, now its just time to try and figure out how to manage time so you feel included. Since you aren't as inclined sexually, why not make non sexual time between the three of you. etc

When I'm sick, I am not having sex with them and they are having sex with each other. A lot of time my fiance would have formerly spent kinda shootin' the shit and comforting me he spends with our new girlfriend in the next room.
This spikes a bit of dependency. Why don't you have others to shoot the shit, or people to hang out with or have come over? It does sound like he is revelling in the NRe and spending in excess, but you might as well nip this in the bud now.

Being sick, my sex drive is sort of inconsistent. I feel inadequate sometimes. Like I'm on the outside of my fiance and my sex life, rather than on the inside, in part because our girlfriend is inclined towards sex more often than me. I feel left out of sexual intimacies and also left out of other intimacies like sleeping closely and waking up together.
Take out the sickness, only talk about sex drive, and you have a lot of triad/quad/ etc sexual challenges. This is common. Sex drives in people are just different. Its how it happens and everyone has to figure it out.

I feel like what used to be mine is not anymore. I feel overwhelmed a lot. I keep waiting for me to feel as close to our girlfriend as my fiance does. I?
Stop waiting...DO!!! Ask her out. She is your gf too right?......all triads are 4 relationships


Hope you can figure out how to make yourself more included.

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