Situation last week: facebook
It seems to be taking a great effort to write today. Mainly because I think I am fed up with having to think about polyamory all the while. That's my life now I guess.
Before I start I should mention that my wife friended me on facebook only because I told her that was one of the things I needed to feel happy about the situation, that nothing was behind my back.
Last sunday night we had an argument because basically J (my wife) had been indiscrete on facebook (fucking facebook again!) She had sent D love messages on there and he had replied in kind.
That irritated me for two reasons.
One is that she does not treat us both the same on FB. She still does not really want me on there, and whether it is because of NRE or what, she sends him romantic stuff whereas I get pictures of panda bears.
The second reason is that whether she realises or not she is sending a subliminal message to other people that HE is the one she loves and that infers that she is just with me for the kids sake.
It is a pride thing, not a jealousy thing.
She got defensive and angry and told me I was being stupid. Then, right in the middle of the argument
She got a comment back from one of her friends that made it obvious they thought J was having an affair, which vindicated everything I was saying, which brought her up short but did not stop the argument.
Although the weather was freezing I went out for half an hour so we could both cool down. When I was out I answered a text from D on my phone and took the unprecendented step of telling him about my argument with J. This was stepping over a boundary, but I felt that the situation was half his fault. Or not, I don't know what I was feeling actually, I was just sad and felt humiliated.
We arranged to meet in a park between our two places (he lives a mile away.)
J meanwhile had texted me that she was sorry. She also texted him and found out that we were just going to meet and tried to stop us. This was going over another boundary, us meeting without her present. She phoned both of us to try to stop us meeting. She was afraid that we would fight.
Anyway we met for a few minutes and discussed the situation. I got him to see my point of view . He was sorry too and said he did not care about fb actually. We both said we only went on there because J is on it. I said that this would probably get worse as other people found out so we (or more ME) would have to find a way to deal with it. He suffers no loss of face being with somebody else's wife.
When I got home J was calm and had put loads of love messages and stuff to me on facebook to try to put it right.
The next day after sleeping on it I decided that the whole fb thing was beneath me and not worth my time. So I wrote J a note and said I was going to shut down my fb so she and D could do what they wanted on it, I was giving them that trust and freedom but to please remember how they made me look in front of other people; I sent D a text saying the same thing.
However both of them asked me to stay on it and said they would not make stuff obvious in future. I still have not decided what to do; I don't want to talk about the Facebook ever again and also don't want them to feel like I am policing them.
At the root of this is just my pride that I want other people to know we are still a couple and not a shell of a marriage. At least 4 of her friends now know about D but I have no idea how they are perceiving our marriage. I feel that effectively J is coming out unilaterally without regard for my feelings.
The rest of the week was OK. Been planning Christmas.
"The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times but to get up eight times"