Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG
If the participants of a relationship both have solid footings than they are better prepared to pour a lasting foundation in my opinion. Of course, as in my case with Redpepper, the building of foundations can also coincide with the curing of footings. As I was faced with new and very different ideas I was encouraged to dig deeper into who I was internally. The result was an even greater footing. It was shaky at times which threatened our foundation but the love I had for her gave me the determination to push through.
In short, the key element to my footing is acceptance and confidence that I am whole without anyone else. That gives me the strength to stay true to myself. Therefore my partner gets the best of who I am because I am motivated out of love in being with her and not fear of losing her.
Hmmm, This is the part I have difficulty with. In my situation it was T who was helping with this aspect of myself... I used to say to both T and K, that T had an ability to reach down deep inside me and bring up the ugly shit that I need to deal with, and just lay it out for me... there it is.. work on it - figure it out...
Not that I am incapable of doing this myself - its just a much much slower process by myself - I don't ask the right questions - I don't stop to ask a question that should be asked - half the time it doesn't even cross my mind...
A good example was when I first started figuring out I was poly - he made the comment that if something wasn't cool with my partner, then it shouldn't be cool with me... this started a round robin of deep questions which triggered off the final question of "At what point does my own happiness mean enough to me, to push what I want, what I need.... at what point am I allowed to ask
to be completely happy, At what point is it ok for me to be not cool with not being me...." which ended in a hung discussion because of course both/all partners needs must be taken into equal consideration
Thanks for the response btw - much food for thought... will likely come back with more questions