</3 Triad relationship breaking...
New to the forum....greetings and all that!
I found this site and thought some people here might be able to grant some advice on a poly relationship that's become problematic. Im normally not the type to seek advice...I feel in control of my life most of the time. But I don't see a way around, over, or through this problem, and I thought an outside perspective might help.
I've been with two wonderful, beautiful women for a little over a year now. One of them I was with for a number of years prior to the formation of the triangle. The other was an old friend I'd had feelings for over the years, and who, after all these years, I finally fell in love with. The last year has been idyllic. Everything I could ever have wanted, much of which I never realized previously that I had wanted, I have experienced. I feel love so profound for my girls that it tears me apart at times simply trying to express something that words or actions never could.
When it began, it was my long-time partner who encouraged me to pursue it. I told her everything...how I felt, when we first kissed...and every step along the way, she spoke to me as excitedly as if we were high school girl friends gossiping. With her holding my hand, I entered into a romantic, and then a sexual relationship with my new girl. The two of them were shy about each other for about the first six weeks, and then we had our first night together as a triad. After that we were all very close. We took trips together, we shared a bed when my new girl was with us, we would stay up as late as college kids just talking.
Our new girl had a kid, and after a tough divorce, she was down on her luck financially. Our house had room, so we took her and her daughter in. We have a three bedroom -- one bedroom is ours, one was an office, and one was basically storage. We both got laptops and hardly ever used the office anymore, so we just cleared out the storage room and the office and made a bedroom for each of them. My first girl was overjoyed. She loved our girlfriend's daughter and was pleased to get them out of their one bedroom rat trap across town and into a nicer place. We got the little girl into her new school, got them set up in town.
Then something changed. I still have no idea what, and can't even imagine. But one day my long-time partner comes home and seems very distant. She goes up to our bedroom and I don't hear from her for a while. I go up and find her crying. Attempting to comfort her leads to a four hour, very emotional conversation in which she essentially breaks up with us. All she can tell us are vague, break-up things...I'm not happy, we seem to want different things, I don't want to be here anymore...nothing really specific. Nothing about WHY she isn't happy, or WHAT she wants that's so different. She goes so far as to say she doesn't love me anymore, though she's since recanted (and restated, back and forth). She's still with me (not so much US anymore), and things will start to seem better, but then they will fall apart again. We will get along well, all three of us will go out somewhere, hold hands, smile, have fun, and then two days later I'm crying in my new girl's arms again because my other has once again gotten stressed and spent an hour explaining that she doesn't want to be here anymore. It's such a roller coaster and I have no idea what will happen.
But one thing has started to become clear: She regrets the formation of our new relationship with our new girl. She has questioned it, though she hasn't said that outright, but it is becoming more obvious to me all the time. She wishes she hadn't let me fall in love with this girl, wishes she hadn't invited her into our home, wishes she hadn't gotten involved with her herself. So now it seems clear what is going to happen, and I have no idea what to do.
I'm going to end up having to choose.
I don't think either of them will say "you must choose between us." But my first girl, the one with whom I have shared my life for eight years, is going to leave. Despite my eternal optimism, I feel this deep down. She will leave us...leave me. Though I may be able to stop it by forsaking my new love. It's not certain, of course; she could still leave. And any problems we had before would still exist...and she would have to deal with me pining for my other love, which would bother her, and could drive her away again. There are also things I want that such a decision would render impossible. With this new girl I've started to discover myself sexually, and have found that I have very strong desires -- needs even -- that my old love simply will not fulfill. I think I make a great case for my new love, but there's one thing that spoils the ease of the decision: I love this girl, with whom I have shared so many years, so much it hurts. I am attached to her on the deepest level. She is part of me. I could no more live without her than without a vital organ. I love her so deeply. Life without her seems cold and bleak. With my new girl I would be happy, sexually satisfied, and I would get the pleasure of exploration and adventure both sexually and romantically that I've never had the opportunity to experience. And I would get them as long as I want. Other things I want, like children, well...I could still have those things with her. But she's still new, and we have our problems, too. It's not perfect. And I would miss my first girl forever, I know that. It also feels like if I chose her, and her more exciting nature, her more sexual nature, her more adventurous spirit, that I would be choosing THAT over the powerful feelings I have for the first girl. In a base sense, it feels like choosing SEX over LOVE. This is not true, really, because the new girl (representing sex) I am also in love with. But as I said, it's still only a year old and I have no where near the depth of feeling for her that I do for my other love.
One more thing to share here. My first girl has said repeatedly that she wants to move out, but does not want to leave me. She seems to feel that being separated, and having some independence, will make her feel better. I could live with this, though I feel like I'd be rather unhappy with it. The problem is we cannot afford to set her up elsewhere. We share a house together, and we do well, but she works part time (sorta...she's "full time" at 32.5 hours) and does not pull in a large income. She couldn't hope to support herself. Maybe with a little more income, I could afford to help her, but it would break my heart to work hard so that I can make myself more depressed.
So, there's my very long-winded story. I greatly thank those of you who stuck with it, and implore you for some sort of advice, sentiment, even a little pat on the back for some kind of encouragement. Can I salvage this somehow? Must I choose? Should I let my long-time love choose for me? Has anyone ever left someone after that long, still so deeply in love with them? If so, how do you live with it? I can't breath just thinking about being without her. Would I be a complete monster to send her away after so much time? Would I be a complete monster to send away my lover and her daughter, who is quickly becoming a daughter to me, too? Would my first lover be a complete monster for WANTING that, if indeed she does?