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Old 11-23-2010, 12:16 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Gf got back from her trip to Maine with M and L on Cloud Nine. There were 5 other people at the house party and everyone accepted her and she felt really comfortable.

She had a couple cuddle sessions with M, just small kisses, nothing real hot and heavy.

There was no kink play on the weekend, mostly the people were geeks and just hung out and talked about sci fi while L was in photo sessions with the hostess.

This group also went to a munch at a local restaurant on Sunday which was attended by about 40 people. She recognized many of them from various kink/queer events (conferences, Pride) we've been to in the past couple years.

So, it was a great self esteem booster for her and I am happy for her. She's been pretty depressed during her transition this year. I've done my ever-lovin' best to support her, but it's hard work, so if she's found some new others to offer support and affirmation, that's great.

However. I am left feeling a few bad things. First of all, envy that she got to go to such a kink and queer positive weekend without me. As I said earlier, I agreed to this before I knew it was a weekend-long event.

Second, and more concerning, the gf/Mistress of her bf turns out to be a celebrity in the East Coast kink scenesters community. She's a semi-pro Domme and event organizer of some repute. All the house party people seemed to take orders from her. At the munch, fans were coming over to her practically bowing and scraping.

And... M introduced my gf to everyone as "their toy." Not his, his and Hers. And here I thought they weren't a package deal. But it's obvious who is the Queen of this power couple. My gf basked in her status as the new "toy" (and possible future slave) of the Queen and her Prince.

So, gf is involved with rockstars now... and I feel like a middle aged housewife frump left behind to sweep her floors, do our dishes, take out her trash and clean her toilet while she primps and travels for dates and events with them.

Sometimes I feel totally lost in the BDSM world. God, I just enjoy giving or getting a nice spanking/flogging now and then, or a little light bondage. This is major league shit. (pony play, play piercings, suspensions, knife play, etc etc)I've never been to a kink play party or dungeon, I don't wear high heels and do not own any leather corsets, latex dresses, or garter belts.

Add to this my own futile search for Mr Right and wonderings whether I've outlived my expiration date to find just the right youthful attentive sexy man to complete my happiness, I am one sad puppy. I could barely sleep the last two nights. And I feel bad to be gloomy and put a damper on my gf's NRE and self-esteem boost.

Partly I am tiring of the short term more or less casual relationships i have found these past 2 years (besides gf). Partly I am wondering if I shouldn't even have a craving for a bf. Maybe that's just a hetero nostalgia from what I once had in marriage to my ex. Just that stupid, "Some day my prince will come..." bs.

Am I greedy? Shouldn't I be content with my gf and my boytoy and just give all the dating and searching a rest? But no! I like socializing and attention!

sigh--- confused
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 11-23-2010 at 12:18 PM.
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