Originally Posted by FlameKat
Mono - the way you have deconstructed the needs in building a relationship - could you go into that with a little more detail?
The footings etc - ?
The main process in my opinion is to really look inside ourselves, be honest in what we want and develop an understanding of how we work internally that we are confident in. This is my strength; I know myself implicitly. There is little doubt in how I see aspects of my internal workings. That part of my footing is solid. I am my own brace and support, grounded and capable of standing alone. I have become able to give and love my partner purely and intensely because of my comfort in the idea of being without them. Knowing that I am fulfilled within myself enables me to move forward without the fear of loss. And so my footing is established.
Part of that footing is understanding my own criteria to invest in some one. This requires recognizing the difference between boundaries and core values. Boundaries are fluid structural agreements where as core values reflect a fundamental element of who we are.
If the participants of a relationship both have solid footings than they are better prepared to pour a lasting foundation in my opinion. Of course, as in my case with Redpepper, the building of foundations can also coincide with the curing of footings. As I was faced with new and very different ideas I was encouraged to dig deeper into who I was internally. The result was an even greater footing. It was shaky at times which threatened our foundation but the love I had for her gave me the determination to push through.
In short, the key element to my footing is acceptance and confidence that I am whole without anyone else. That gives me the strength to stay true to myself. Therefore my partner gets the best of who I am because I am motivated out of love in being with her and not fear of losing her.