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Old 11-22-2010, 11:49 PM
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Erin Erin is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Chi-town baby!
Posts: 92

Hi Kelvin, I am still so thankful you are still responding! Nice to hear a man's perspective. Please say thanks to your wife for helping me, too.

Originally Posted by polynHR View Post
Yes that is weird that a grown man never ask for sex. I'm willing to bet you that he his cheating. As far as knowing you should look for the small things. Like if he goes on a side job does he come home dirty.
I am so bothered that I've married a man who has no sex drive unless I pursue it. Do I think he's cheating on me at this very moment? No. But I suspect he has in the past.

His behaviors on side jobs vary. He wears his junky work clothes/ drives the junky work truck on all-day, dirty jobs. He wears normal clothes/ drives his own truck on quotes and short jobs. He doesn't always come home with cash/check to count because he oftentimes has quotes / unfinished jobs to return to. I used to think he was cheating all the time as it is impossible to know every single location where he goes. He gets referral phone calls all the time, so I know he does work. I see the money, too. Still, I had no proof he was unfaithful, so I eventually accepted his behaviors as genuine. I don't know what to think now, though.

And I won't put any software on his computer because I'm sure it's just porn. That doesn't bug me - I probably watch more than him anyway! LOL

Originally Posted by polynHR View Post
Stop allowing him to control you. The reason he claims you are sensitive is because you are challenging him on something that threatens his self esteem. Challenge him and make him stop, do not bag down to him it does no good. Let him know that him being sensitive does not make him less than a man.
I understand what you mean about the male / female control struggle. I'm glad you were able to learn more about yourself when you went to counseling. I'm sure your wife is happier, too. It's always a competition for us. He has watched me turn into an educated woman, and I think he feels threatened by that. He refuses to go back to college, so he has little excuse to hate his job. When I challenge him or "call him out" after he insults me or cuts me down, he argues back even more or blows it off as if it's no big deal. It really bugs me because I know I'm not an idiot. I've learned to just take it and keep my mouth shut - I'd rather be quiet than keep the arguement going. I joke to myself, "I'm being trained to keep my mouth shut." It just separates me further from him - spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I sound like such an idiot typing this out. Amazing what "love" will let one tolerate over time.

Originally Posted by polynHR View Post
Focus on leaving and once you are out then turn your interest toward finding someone who accepts you for you and how you feel both mentally and sexually.
It pains me to say this, but I will not pursue the other man any further. I'll wait until I'm on my own and ready to date again. I fear "getting caught" and losing everything in the D. But I won't stop dancing!!

You're right, so I've decided to seek a counselor who specializes in marriage / sex counseling. I need to fix me before I can move from this situation. I'll invite my husband to attend later sessions if he is interested. But for now, I'm doing this for ME!

I am forever grateful to have discovered this forum!!
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