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Old 11-22-2010, 11:25 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Fidelia,

Part of my issue is that I AM ok with taking a "time out" to work on things.
However, this is something that hasn't changed in 14 months.

Maca says he wants to be here, with the family. But he doesn't take time to consider what that MEANS.
He says he accepts that GG is my boyfriend-LIVE IN BOYFRIEND at that, but he doesn't take time to consider what that means.

Maca would be FURIOUS if I were to go to his Christmas party-and not be affectionate with GG, then go to GG's party and not be affectionate with Maca, but wouldn't that be more "reasonable" if we're only going to show affection to ONE person-then it should be the one whose peers we are with?
(I find the whole thing absurd).

FURTHER MORE-
Maca is TOTALLY ok with kissing and making out with other women in front of other people when I'm around, in point of fact even when one of our son's parents happened by, he continued to do so as I spoke with that parent (who hasn't a CLUE about poly or our lifestyle). He specifically said he didn't give a DAMN what they thought.

He recognizes that he has a double standard there and he acknowledges that it's not fair or reasonable.

GG and I aren't the "make out in public" type of couple anyway-we wouldn't do that. It's not something we're comfortable with.
So the level of affection that we're talking about is very minimal. We rarely french kiss if there is an "audience".

But, Maca expects that we are not to do ANYTHING that suggests the type of relationship we have-in front of him.
AND
He expects that any time he's available-I'm with him...........

So for example this week, I didn't get any time with GG. All week. A "group xmas spree" that Maca planned for ALL FOUR of us-turns into GG walking alone behind us the entire day. No playful banter, no talking, no acknowledgement that he's even WITH US, all day? Damn near 12 hours.

We live together, but we can't kiss goodbye before he leaves to spend the night elsewhere?


It really pisses me off. Seriously pisses me off.

The more months that go by-the more pissed off I get.

Maca has a date planned with his "other" coming up. Imagine that-I don't work, so it's AUTOMATICALLY a time he could be spending with me. He wouldn't dream that it might be an issue. In point of fact, while he did tell me that they MADE plans (not that they wanted to-they HAD ALREADY) he did NOT tell me anything about when, except what day.
The truth is that I don't mind-but I DO mind that he expects me to be ok with that, when he is NOT ok with me making plans with GG.

I made plans with GG to go out WHILE MACA IS AT WORK on the 3rd. We're going Christmas shopping. I got attitude from Maca. He'll be AT WORK. It's not time we can spend together ANYWAY. But he's still jealous and pissy because I'll be with GG.

It just never ends and it's fucking ridiculous.

My sister keeps saying-make a choice, then stick to it.
I agree with her.
He says he can't deal with the dynamic, then he says he's all in and he's going to work on it, then he can't deal with it, then he's all in, then he can't deal with it... etc.


The truth is that what he wants is to choose a path that will be easy, comfortable and enjoyable the whole way.
BUT
that doesn't exist. We live on earth. Every choice we make requires work at some point. We have to do the work to get the pleasure. He's not willing to do the work.

He wants to have his cake and eat it to. It's that simple to me.
It's ironic-he says that about me because I want both him and GG.

But I'm willing to do the work, make the allowances, take the time, put in the extra effort.

He wants me. He wants me to be his everything. He wants me to do it all his way. He wants me to fit into the vision he created of marriage when he was a child
AND
he wants me to make it happen so that he can just glide along enjoying it.

Well-
WTF?
It's not MY dream.
It's not MY plan.
It's not to MY benefit.
So why precisely would I want to do that?

AND I already HAVE busted my ass to make things as easy for him as possible and found that it only results in more demands, more strictures, more insecurities in him and a mental breakdown in me.
He knows that-he says he doesn't want to go down that road again etc etc etc etc.

OK-SO YOU HAVE A CHOICE-
A
OR
B

It's not-a matter of being able to have A, in the world of B or have B in the world of A. Those aren't options.

If he can't handle me, the REAL ME, then he needs to just say so and we can move on to whatever it is he can handle. Friends? Aquaintances? Fuck buddies? FWB? what the hell ever.

But continuing to tell me, he does love me, does wnat to be with me and does want to make THIS family work, not A FAMILY, but THIS family work while simultaneously insisting that he can't deal with GG is BULLSHIT.

(Fidelia-I wasn't at all upset with you, I hope you know that my frustration in this post isn't about YOU at all. XO)
It's a copout.
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