DoubleZero and NeonKaos both make interesting points. Sometimes I desire to be boring and predictable. It could be said that I desire a lack of desire, which I would describe as placidity or tranquility
. There's an observable cycle of stress and release with all of my emotions, and sometimes my desire
is simply to escape from the tedium and act from a place of strength, fueled by non-emotional willingness.
"I said I would act, therefore I will."
Unfortunately this doesn't always suit me for very long. Emotions serve me very well as a spiritual thermometer; I can check in with them to see how I'm doing from day to day. Some emotions are more unpleasant than others, some are downright painful, but (occasionally with a touch of masochism) I still find ways to enjoy them as indicators. For instance,
"Oh now I'm angry
. Well that's good
because now I know that something has changed."
I try not to feel any way that doesn't serve me in getting what I really want. Staying angry only helps me if I've got to really push myself or someone else to do something. It's a generally nasty way to feel. Sometimes happiness doesn't suit me perfectly either as far as communication goes. Sometimes, I have to separate how I feel and what I say to get my point across.
It's a perfect and pure exercise in driving oneself insane.
Immediately I'm moving past the knot if only to avoid over analyzing it to the point where it dissolves a large portion of myself into sand. So good work guys, collectively we accomplished... something?
I presently have other things on my mind. My primary and I are engaged in a long string of fights that stem from a lack of trust 'when push comes to shove'. We've both made bad decisions in the past that have led to problems with credibility, and it takes a lot of reassurance before we can acknowledge the amends we've each made to repair those damages. The strain is causing a lot of tension between the other couples in our septagon and us.
Meanwhile, another couple (whom I have very deep and intense feelings for both of) are engaged in a similar conflict, with the reasoning behind it less clear to me. For all they disapprove of Marius (my primary) and I's strife, it grates on me that they let themselves fall into the same cycle. I want to help, but with all the tension it's difficult for me to find a way through. I'm not sure whether or not to barge in, let things be, or run through the room naked and screaming about how the bloody British are coming. The fighting we all do, in addition to being fighting and generally bad, detracts from the positive time we can all spend together. I find the disappearance of the commodity very frustrating.
Also, I hate mac n cheese. Yet, I sit here, eating it right now.