So I've decided to start a blog here. I've kind of been wanting a place I could blog and be more open about things for a while now - not just about poly, but about life in general. Most of my family wouldn't exactly approve of a lot of things I think / believe, I don't have a lot of friends at the moment, facebook needs kept clean, and it seems pointless to write a blog that doesn't get posted, so... This seems like the best place to put my thoughts.
A bit of a note on names: in my first post, I started by referring to everybody as letters - A, B, C, and D - to keep everything totally anonymous. That was hard to read, so I changed them to names - Adam, Beth, Caleb, and Dakota. But I was in a hurry, and so I didn't put much thought into those names. The thing is, the name Dakota doesn't really "fit" me at all, and the name Adam doesn't "fit" my husband at all. So since I've been pretty well hooked on this forum, I've decided to change the names I use to Keira (instead of Dakota) for myself and Mal (instead of Adam) for my husband. Very sorry if that gets anyone confused, I just couldn't stand the thought of keeping the names for very long.
My journey into poly started this last September, and you can read about that here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3831
and here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4215
Suffice it to say, that didn't work out but it did show myself and Mal that we are poly. We both have needs that the other person can't meet, and we don't see any reason why we should be against a third person in our relationship (or someone for each of us). We prefer a triad, but I've read enough on the forums to know that holding out for a person who happens to fall in love with both of us is very unrealistic. If it happens, great, but I'm not going to pass up another possibility just because the person only has romantic interest in either Mal or myself.
I've been moving on and focusing on school, lately, but it's hard. I've always had an issue with procrastinating if I feel I can't succeed - i.e., if I think I'm going to bomb an exam, it turns into a huge struggle to sit down and study for it. My GPA before this semester was about a 3.85, so generally my fears were unfounded. Now I'm having a semester with 3 major classes where I'm almost certainly going to get all C's, and studying has turned in to "bash your head into the concrete wall and hope water comes out." It's mostly mental, I know, and if I can just get past that things will be a lot easier, but for whatever reason knowing I might fail (um - well - get less than an A) and then doing my best anyways is really really hard for me.
I've also decided that I want to join OK Cupid, if only just to chat with people and get my feet wet, so to speak. I'm a little torn about starting any relationships here and now. In about 2.5 years, we'll be moving on to who-knows-where for graduate school. And the sort of relationship I want is long term. So I'd hate to start something and get really invested in someone just to have to move on in a year or two. But at the same time, there's the chance it could work out - depending on the person's situation and how close (relationship-wise) we were to get, the person could move with us. There's also the (fairly good) chance I might go to grad school fairly close (about 2 hrs away), in which case a small move or even a minor LDR could work. And a really slim chance that I won't go to grad school at all. So I don't think it's worth closing off any chance of a relationship for the next couple of years, it's just scary to think about starting something that might have to be cut off for purely geographical reasons.
I am going to wait till after finals are over to sign up, though, so I don't have an extra place to procrastinate at instead of study.
I'm also worrying about Mal, a bit... He has a hard time feeling and expressing his emotions, and it's bothering him a lot, especially with all of the stress we've been through lately. (There's the stuff that happened with Beth and Caleb, plus he's been through a bunch of other unrelated family and school issues this semester.) He's thinking of maybe considering seeing a therapist / psychologist, but he's also planning on going in to a career where any record of mental illness could bar him from every getting a job, so he's frightened of what could happen if he did open himself up to someone. He's not the sort to just open up anyways.
Plus, there's the cost - we're college students living on scholarships and loans, and because of the career issues (and general incompetence of people who work at his school) he doesn't really want to go to one of the college counselors... I'm starting to think it might do him a lot of good, but even so I'm not sure I can convince Mal to go. It might end up having to wait till I go to grad school and we have more of an income. Just something on my mind.