This weekend Mono and I took LB up to my parents cottage that they just finished building. I had a tug on my heart strings whilst there as it was to be the cottage that we build together, but they put an end to that idea when we came out to them last fall as they saw Mono as a threat to the stability of the family. I am still invested in that notion that I was not included even though it seems contrary to what they think now. I am hoping that blogging about it will help me see things differently as I do so want to give up my attachment to not being included in their process.
So, it was evident that my mothers skills at organizing and getting things together are waining in her later years. I hadn't noticed until she showed me all the things that are left to do and what she and my Dad had done. My dad is incapable of getting it together without my mum to direct him every step of the way and although my mum is patient, it is wearing her out.
My mum relied on me, to some extent, to get some things underway and organized while we were there. Something I am very good at and have definitely picked up on from her. I was grateful for that chance in light of the fact that I haven't been included in anything so far other than the house design. When that design was confirmed, that was my last participation. This was a sign to me that she still wants my input.
The very fact that Mono came with me and LB was a big indication that my parents are not worried about his interaction in our family and have indeed welcomed him as an addition. They even had a bed for us in the same space as LB. Our sleeping arrangement means that I spend some of my time with Mono. I thought this would still be an effort for them to accept. Mono was really surprised and delighted and so was I.
My mum talked of future plans to spend time at the cottage all of us together. She told us how happy she was that she could sit with her family around the table and that was all she wanted. She said she hoped that we would all want to be there with them to share our lives and be together.
So, I can't see any reason to hold onto my disappointment. They have built a beautiful space for all of us to be invited to and are including us in sharing that space. I see no reason to not let it go and allow myself to be present with them. I will get there eventually I suppose. I can let go of the trauma of last fall and invite good experience to wash it away now....
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