19 Nov 1145
** Finished that talk with W about her road/work trip with P. There were some things that bugged me. Mostly that when he brought up having a fuck buddy, her response was "well then I should be able too also".*
.... After thinking about it for a second, It doesn't really bug me. It validates the way I feel. She explained the "what am I supposed to do when you are with someone else, when you could be with me" feeling that bothered me so much while I was at home alone and she was with him. So I know know she can really understand how I feel.
** I am still very skeptical that I could handle 2 or more full on relationships. I *feel like I would lose myself even worse than I already have. Yet, when I can't have the one I love, why should I not be able to get the affection I need?
** I still fear her reaction to this feeling I have. I don't want to push her away. I want and need her more than anything in the world, but my cup feels very half empty while she is away with P. I'm not ready to fill that cup with love of another, and need to work on finding my own happiness, but the affection and attention of someone that is in to me would go a kong way to soothing my battered heart.
** I also told her I need her to be more available to me. Feeling that she simply isn't interested in me is tearing me up, and I told her so. I believed her when she said she was sorry, mostly because she was hesitant to make s promise she couldnt keep, so she was being genuine..
The more you judge, the less you love
The only common thread in all my failed relationships, is ME.