New Relationship Difficulties
I finally agreed to give the whole polyamory thing a go. I've been married a long time to one man, but our closest couple-friends are interested in being more. They've been together a long time, too. We all have children at home, and mine are the oldest. I have little experience with polyamory, but we did have friends who were polyamorous and it turned out badly for them. (My friend, I'm not sure what to call her but I guess we'd refer to her as wife#2, says that's commonly referred to as "relationship broken, add people".) Anyway, we communicate frequently, so I feel pretty good about our chances, though still nervous as all get out.
One of my issues is insecurity. My husband, my primary husband, is not overly affectionate and I tend to feel unattractive and second-best, even before we embarked on this adventure. He's a sweet guy, and tries to reassure me with words that he loves me and finds me attractive, but it's hard to believe when you don't get the physical reassurance. Wife#2 reassures me that he adores me and talks about me all the time when I'm not around.
I haven't been here very long, so I hope I'm not overstepping here...WARNING that I may be oversharing. Wife#2 is really into BDSM. I understand that, and it doesn't freak me out. It really seems to appeal to my husband, though. This weekend, for the first time we all got together in the bedroom, all of us. My husband really, really got into it, and I could tell from physical evidence that he was really enjoying himself. Husband#2 didn't seem as excited, but he was joining in. I, however, was really not enjoying any of it and sat in the corner the whole time. I am really not into BDSM. Really, really. I was upset and uncomfortable.
So here's the thing. I love this other couple very much. I love my husband very much. I REALLY want this to work out. But what happend the FIRST TIME we all got together as a group? I got left out. I WANT to believe that everyone loves me and this won't keep happening. But what has happened is I feel like 1) I'm not important. 2) My husband is into this and I can't do it for him. Worse, he didn't even bring his appetite to me afterwards, so he is eventually going to realize that he isn't interested in me. 3) I'm always going to take second fiddle to Wife#2. 4) Because this was all done unintentionally, this is what they REALLY want and they just don't realize it yet.
I want this to work out so much. They make me happy. I don't want to be jealous, I don't want to be the thing that breaks us up and I don't want to be the one who gets left out. I'm hoping that someone has some insight that will help.