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Old 11-19-2010, 07:13 AM
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ray ray is offline
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The last few days have been rough. I haven't had a chance to hang out with A and I won't again this weekend, since he wants to be productive and apparently I will be distracting. Which is an odd thing to say since I frequently have helped them with numerous projects (yard work etc). I asked him again about where he was with us being more intimate and he said that he needed to focus on A right now (apparently some issues?, not sure what). He wouldn't give me any kind of estimate on how long that might be. Not to mention that things will likely change drastically in january when he begins grad school. This whole thing is a mess. Part of me wants to just walk away. I don't know anything about relationships, I've never done this before and I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't feel like I have much power in this arrangement. I said that once and he told me that I have the power to end it (duh). But honestly, they both hold way more cards than I do. I feel like there's red tape everywhere. I can ask and I just get deadend-ed with a no with very little explanation. He tells me to be patient. I know the logical thing is to end it. But that's hard. I realize this may simply be a case of I want what they can't give. I honestly would like to have a full, more co-primary-ish (over time) poly relationship. But I don't think they're ready for that. I feel sometimes like it was unfair of him (dare I say irresponsible?) to initiate a relationship that he can't follow through on. He pushed me to get into this and I wanted to but I had my doubts. And now there are so many restrictions and prescriptive labels and boundaries. It's like we're barely a couple anymore. And really, it's because they're not ready to be open. And it pisses me off and hurts me deeply that he would take that leap with me when he couldn't really keep going with it (and I think that deep down, he knew). I have feelings too and now, I'm in love with some one that can't really give me much of anything. I remember once when he was trying to convince me to date him and he told me about when he'd dated two women. The one was having some issues and so he decided to "focus on her" and broke up with the other one. He uses that phrase in a conversation with me, is being distant and makes up an excuse as to why we can't hang out. I'm not really sure what to think? I don't even know why he bothers with me anyway.
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