I have some difficulty expressing my thoughts and feelings clearly sometimes. they come out; I share. But they all tend to come out in complicated webs or uneven globs. It's counterintuitive to explaining things to other people. I'm hoping to work on that here. If nothing else, I will accomplish sharing my insanity with random strangers on the internet.
Right now I'm in a tangled mess of myself. I'm struggling just to exist, emphasis on struggling. Fighting, thrashing, writhing, in frequent futility. When I try to step back and examine the knot from a distance, it seems largely self indulgent. I loathe it. Hate it. I want to rip the effort right out of myself and build a strip mall or a movie theater where the conflict used to be. However that might be counterproductive. I'm not entirely sure of what's really going on, or if I'm ready to stare it in the face.
Most times I have to justify feeling anything to myself. If the reasoning isn't there, the thought disappears. More concrete reasoning leads to deeply entrenched viewpoints. I suppose that's the double edged sword of logic. Infallibly and inflexibly correct in all things, sometimes. So much gets edited out and the insubstantial finds its body in the meaninglessness of overpondering. These are habits Company is trying to redirect into more constructive avenues of self analysis and expression.
I just want to be close to people right now. I want to feel like I'm a part of something, something special. I'm tired of coming up with all the reasons it's not worth it, or why I'm not worth it. I'd rather feel something unbridled and powerful, even if it bears the risk of attachment, of rejection even.
So how do I let go of this and execute that? (I say to myself and the internet)