So....turns out I have a certain infection that is very contagious and I may have spread it to my other lovers. Andulvar most likely has it, if anyone else....its really the only thing I regret from that night with Rage.
It was before we were poly, in short, we (Andulvar, Marius, Company and myself) got drunk and slept together. Rage feels horrible about it and is certain that it came from her. I just got back from the clinic feeling a myriad of things that I really want to sort out before I have to go to work at 2. I don't know...regret and sadness want me to run back to my own house, I want to hide, to be invisible. It doesn't make sense, this poison that I feel inside me, I hate it so much that I begin to feel nothing. I want this hurt to bleed out of me, so I'm keeping myself here because I don't trust myself.
I don't want to worry anyone but I don't know how to pretend to be okay. There is nothing anyone can do, I'm so fucking weak about this bullshit, I should be able to handle it, I have to stand up, have to be strong but I am so tired to doing that. So tired of being here, I just want to fade.
This is stupid, really fucking stupid. How can I expect anyone to understand, to even know? I don't make sense inside, all the pieces are broken and I don't know how which glue to use to put it all back together.
I'm not making sense please disregard all the psycho-babble bullshit I spew. It doesn't matter any way.