my jealousy is related to males
I have no idea why. Women, I can be happy for her, I miss her when she's gone, but I'm not upset. After about 4 years of polyamory, she's started developing a stronger interest in men. And I'm not doing well.
Every time she even did something dating like towards a guy, trying to set up a date, texting a lot, or what have you, and I realize that she's interested in him (usually because she says so) I am immediately hostile to him. This includes a guy I was pretty cool with, I just wanted to hurt him, either physically or verbally. Not being out of my mind, and knowing it's not reasonable, I didn't. And the second it didn't work out, and he decided not to (without being aware of my feelings) the anger was gone.
I have no idea why. I'm not afraid of her leaving, but when she went out on a date, I drank. It helped, but not something I can keep up.
So what do I do? I guess the best phrase I can think of is that when it's a woman, it doesn't feel like cheating. I never said I was ok with guys, she just wasn't interested until about 4 years in. As she says, her needs have changed, and my feelings very much have not.