Hi. Iím new to the forum. I posted a short intro already. However I want to tell more of my story over here because I suspect I am a struggling mono!
I am a female mono in a mono/poly. I am super new to poly. My BF is beginning to explore a new crush. Until now we had been monogamous. We've been together for 1 1/2 years.
Although I had an idea that he had extraordinary needs, we had not discussed it until recently. As a mono, it's difficult to see a poly when he's being monogamous with you!
Anyhow, a few days ago he asked me to let him be himself (poly). We have an awesome relationship. I love him to pieces. How could I ask him to deny his nature? So I cried. Then we talked. And we cuddled. And I remembered that what we have is special and only he or I can make it less special; no one outside of our relationship can take it away. He and I are committed to each other - not out of need, but out of want.
So, there's this chick he's diggin' on. They are not an item yet, but they hope to be. She is also poly, coming out of a breakup with a BF she had been with for a while.
I have not met her yet. I hope to meet with her in the next couple of days. My BF is setting it up for us.
I should back up a bit. When my BF came initially came to me with this I was devastated. I cried for days. I stopped eating. I couldnít sleep. I couldnít work. I had never even heard of polyamory! I had always been clear that I was searching for a life partner. His revelation seemed to run counter to my needs.
Through my hysterics and grief, my BF comforted me. He reminded me that he loves me, that I am special to him and that my happiness is important to him. He asked me to please try this for him. He promised to be supportive, attentive, kind and loving. He even offered to go to couples counseling if I thought it would be helpful. And above all, he reassured me that he would remain monogamous with me if I couldnít/wouldnít allow him to be polyamorous.
Well, I have to at least try! He is too super-wonderful for me to not even try!
So I searched my heart and opened my mind. I scoured the Internet to try to figure out what this poly stuff is really all about. I discovered that poly is as varied as the people who adopt it. So I went back to my BF and asked him how he would like to be poly.
He and I are his primary romantic relationship. I have no desire for another romantic relationship. He would like to add a secondary relationship. That sounds nice and neat, right? But how does that really work with real people? I donít know yet. I guess Iím about to find out.
All I know for sure is that I was wrong when I thought that going poly means I donít get to have a life partner. If Iím really lucky, going poly may mean that I get two (or more) life partners!
Donít get me wrong. Iím not completely naive. I know that his crush may turn out to be short-lived. Even if it isnít, there is no guarantee that we (me and OGF) will be friends Ė nor have I made that a requirement. His relationship with her is just that Ė His relationship with her.
I am very grateful that he and I had a year and a half to build a solid foundation in monogamy before we ventured off into polyamory.
Wish me luck!