@ Fidelia- Yes you are correct her and I do need to open our lines of communication and someone does have to make the first move. I have tried several times to do as you have suggested.
We realized that not too long ago one of us would have to make that move and step up to the plate, I have done that. I will continue to step up to the plate also but how long that will last with me being the only one I dont know.
I am a woman also with feelings and women like being pursued and flirted with and to feel special.
@Tonberry- I like that...two relationships with different dynamics. I was and still am expecting for things to develop at their own pace but I guess if asked directly one is more important to me than the other at least for now but that's how it's been for the past 9 years and for everyone else to expect me to put both relationships on a level playing field I think is unreasonable. If they would let me come into it on my own it would be easier.
@NorCalk- I mean not very vocal as in I may not say or do certain things everyday. However when I do speak on something or express how I feel it is very loud and does go unheard and that goes for negative or positive. I have opened up to allow myself to be more vulnerable than ever in this relationship. Our GF said the other day that it seems like I am fighting it the whole way and she is correct. I am fighting it...but I am fighting it in a way that is helping me break those barriers down, my own barriers. Now that is easier said than done. I am almost fighting against myself because my heart and mind are speaking different languages to each other. I have this battle within myself on a daily basis. I love them both, I care deeply for them both, I'm in love with both of them and yet I struggle.