Tears roll down the face of the earth...I saw it with my own two blue eyes
Well it's been almost two months since I posted here. It's felt like two years. Up, down, tremendous highs, tremendous lows, fear, excitement, drama, comedy, passion, love, heartbreak...all of these sometimes in the same hour, let alone the same day. And now, the end I fear, the first time in my life I am going to have to turn a lover away. I am not looking forward to this at all but I don't see a way forward.
Let me go back to some happier times. When I stopped posting here (and I didn't do it because I wasn't being supported here...I feared that my wife or B were looking at my posts--I don't care about that now) the three of us were settling down into a routine. Not a rut by any means, but a fine routine. The three of us would talk on the phone on Monday through Thursday nights, then the four of us would meet, usually at their place, on Sunday evening. All the Sunday visits were wonderful. Sometimes the visits would be sexual, sometimes not. It didn't seem to matter...well, I didn't think it mattered. The relationship between B and I blossomed. She helped me through some difficult times, and I helped her in her words just by being there and showing her love. At times she said she had been waiting for my love forever, and she couldn't understand what she had done to win my heart.
Things were less settled between my wife and B. At times they seemed to be in love, but most of the time it seemed like B was in love but my wife wasn't. Sometimes things would go very well between them, and my wife would seem very happy about how things went, but then later on my wife would be extremely upset about some detail of their time together. She was seeming more and more nervous around B and H, sometimes drinking heavily and later admitting that she did it to calm herself.
My wife was also increasingly convinced that B was lying to her about loving her. She would grab my phone after she got home from work, and be upset if B told me something she didn't tell her, or if she thought that B had sent me too many texts during the day. I thought that she was exaggerating a bit of that, and she agreed with that at times. Just yesterday my wife admitted to me that although she still wasn't sure that B loved her, she was aware that she was holding back from her out of fear of getting hurt, and because she still didn't think she was worthy of love. The last time B talked to her, B ended the conversation with "I love you." My wife didn't respond to that.
So I was starting to think that my wife wanted this to end. At times she would say that B and I could continue our relationship without her. I said I didn't want that, that I didn't feel comfortable going behind her back and that I just could not do that. I asked her if she wanted me to break it off entirely. She said no, she couldn't do that, she would feel like it was her fault and she would never forgive herself for "depriving" me. At some points she threatened to harm herself if I broke up with her. So of course at that point I couldn't. I did tell her though, that I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place, that the relationship was hurting her (even if I know that that hurt was mostly self-inflicted by her) but I couldn't actually do anything about it.
This week though it became obvious she did want it to end. On one day, my wife suggested to B that she could "sext" me before a meeting if she cleared it with her first. The next morning I did have a meeting and B sexted me. I assumed she'd cleared it with my wife and I responded with her in kind. That night my wife took my phone and saw the text and was furious, and the first words out of her mouth were "I'm not seeing them on Sunday." And yesterday H, who over most of the last two months has been somewhere between a bystander and an occasional participant, hurt his back. The first thing my wife wrote to me about it was "Let's not see them on Sunday." When I asked her about it she said "well we need to give them a break"--but all the while she was extremely eager not to see them. It seemed to me like she wanted an excuse not to go.
So that was kind of where things stood until this morning.