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Old 11-13-2010, 08:17 AM
nonstick nonstick is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Portland, Oregon
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Like Saph said, thanks to everyone who responded, but especially Ton and Fairydust. A bit of what you suggested has been in our talks, a bit we didn't think of, and a bit has been so hard to start talking about that we've not delved deep enough into yet, but especially after your responses, we realize what the next step in our discussions need to be. I'd like to atleast address some of the things you mentioned that we have talked about or that deal more with me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
For you, nonstick, it might be a good idea to think beyond your ideal scenario. First, how would you deal with two women who both love you and you both love but don't really have a strong connection?
To me, that feels more like I'd be being selfish, if that makes sense. If Saph is friends with the other woman, and can have a connection as well in her own way, then all of this wouldn't be just about me and for me. Could be my poly naivety though. I know there are a lot of ideal situations out there that will never be achieved and probably shouldn't be expected. Also my response to a comment below may also shed some more light.

Quote:
What about if either of these women has another partner as well? For instance, what if you do meet another woman and she is married too? And what about your wife, would she be "allowed" to have other people too? (Regardless of whether she wants to or not, it's good to ask yourself how you would feel about it).
Yes to the second. I tend to operate logically, and one of the first questions I asked myself before even telling Saph about how I was feeling was would I be ok with her taking on another. I knew this would be one of her first questions when we talked. Of course my heart was hurting a bit thinking about it. I know it will be hard on me, I don't get jealous much, more of the type to feel rejected (which stems from unmet needs, and expecting people to read my mind and help me with them, then feeling rejected when they're not met... this is the big thing I'm working on within myself atm). I've had a couple minor issues with two guys who showed too much interest in Saph for my comfort. I think one of those instances is just due to not knowing the guy well enough, the other was when I was courting Saph. She was oblivious to his intentions, but I picked up on them, and felt a bit threatened. Those feelings might have been bigger, but I already knew that Saph's choice between us would be me, even if he did make his intentions known to her. I've grown up a lot since then, and am really confident in the love my wife has for me. That helps tremendously when it comes to being able to let her go and seek another if that is something she wants. My logical thinking also kicks in and says, 'How can you ask for something you can't give yourself?' Its unfair to her to say I'd like to be in a relationship with another person, but you can't. Being that hypocritical would take all the validity out of my own reasons for wanting a second person.

To the first question in that block, I'll again say, maybe more light will be shed when I answer the next one.

Quote:
And if your wife really wouldn't be happy in a V where you are the hinge (that would mean you are involved with two women who aren't involved together sexually and romantically), would you be happy with a traditional relationship with your wife and a platonic relationship with a woman your wife gets along with? Would she be happy with that?
Even from a young age, I have always preferred to have 2-3 people whom I am extremely close too. I could go thru the list from age 4, but rest assured, I tend to only let a couple people in, keep them real close until something happens that one of them falls out of that closeness (death, me moving, them moving, and other reasons why friends lose touch). Everyone else in my life, including my family, I just kinda keep on the side, hang out with them every now and then casually. Only those 2-3 get to truly know me though. Because of that closeness, I have a tendency to fall for any of the females that fall into that group that I let in. In fact, 100% of the females that have been in that 2-3 I've developed romantic feelings for. I married the last female, we were really close friends for 3-4 years before I told her I had feelings for her.

This is one of the reasons why I feel so drawn to the type of poly lifestyle I described. I know being close to 2-3 people is really important to who I am and my well being. I see the relationship that I have with my wife, how it has developed, how the love and closeness has grown thru the years. I'd love to experience that growth and commitment and truly meaningful connection with another, to be in that 2-3 group. --That close group right now is at 2 people, the other being a guy I work with who from day one we just understood each other, got along great despite being at such different stages in our lives and the 7 year age gap (he's been married 16 years, 2 kids). But because we're at different stages/priorities in life, it makes spending time hanging out and talking about life rather difficult.

For this reason, also, I think to find a platonic friendship with another woman to slide into that 2-3 close group is setting myself up to develop feelings for her. Its not a matter if it could happen, but when it would happen. In the past it took as little as a month or two. So I don't think that is a compromise I would be comfortable with.
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