Originally Posted by zyx5
3) TK's wife does not know about any of this and that bothers both my wife and I. In an ideal world we would hope that TK explain to her that he has a friend with benefits and tell her about it. Honestly we do not think this will happen and my wife/we do not want to be the catalyst that sends his marriage over the edge. This is probably our biggest fear. One of our rules is that if his wife does not except this FWB idea, then it will be over between my wife and him. The other things I think we can blunder our way thru and communicate our way out of.
There's so much material in this post that I won't attempt to respond to all of it at once. But I did want to comment on the quoted passage, at least, for now.
TK's wife is apparently not sexually available to TK, and hasn't been for, apparently, at least a year. Who knows what the reasons for this may be? But, likewise, who could blame TK for wanting to continue to enjoy sex even if his wife doesn't share that desire?
In my experience, there are a LOT of good couples out there, very loving couples, strong couples, who are seriously not compatible sexually -- often because one or the other has lost interest in sex. Sex isn't at the heart of a good marriage or partnership, loving is. And so I don't think folks who are sexually incompatible must necessarily split up their marriage or partnership--certainly not in every case.
But the wife who witholds sex from her husband, or vice versa, should not threaten his/her partner with an unwanted
divorce for seeking sexual pleasure where it IS available -- outside. That's plain lunacy! Sexual pleasure is a very important part of human life for healthy people, and being sexually rejected by your partner/wife/husband can be an extremly difficult thing to endure. Or even impossible.
TK and wife should probably seek couples/sex counceling.
Finally, polyamory is, by definition, honest and open with regard to all persons involved. If someone's not being told what's going on, it isn't polyamory.