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Old 11-12-2010, 07:15 PM
KaraLilly KaraLilly is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I disagree that finding a partner at the same time is the way to get over jealousy. There is a strong chance that the two of you will be in NRE at the same time, that a competition will arise and that the two of you will become less connected... that being said, of course, finding another suitable partner is important, but the key is "suitable" there is also the possibility that you may just settle in order to please him because he is waiting for you or because you want what he has...
I fully understand what you are saying about the potential loss of attachment if we are in NRE at the same time. It is definitely something to consider. Our relationship is #1 Priority, for us all others are to be secondary.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
People are not commodities. They are not like something we buy; the next best cell phone and they shouldn't be thought of that way I don't think. It isn't fair to them and isn't fair to you. It's great that you are looking for love, but that is a very different thing when its because your partner has found something real... I would suggest that it would be damaging to your self esteem and feelings of self worth much more than feelings of jealousy.
I do not look at it that way at all, I apologize if that's how my words came across. I have had many offers from other men at the moment, but none of them are suitable for me. That's why I've NOT settled. I'm not really able to settle to be honest with you. If it doesn't feel right then I won't do it. I can't. We aren't necessarily looking for love, we are looking for friends to do things with where there is a connection and we are permitted to be sexual. I know this could change in the future as boundaries shift in these types of relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I would suggest that you do some reading on jealousy on here, we have written about it a lot... what does it mean to you, what is the threat underneath it, what is the under lying fear? What needs do you think won't be met by him starting a relationship with someone else?... what boundaries do you need to have in place in order for you to feel comfortable with the pace that they go at or in order to feel special to him still?
This is a very good suggestion. I know my jealousy simply stems from my lack of self esteem. While logically I'm know I'm totally awesome and a great partner and friend, I also suffer from those feelings of awkwardness and like there is something wrong with me. That's been a struggle my whole life. With this situation I am facing these things head on because I want to beat them and learn how to acknowledge them and not allow them to control me. I think my fear is less of a connection with him and that she will somehow be better, which is totally normal, I know. It's just allowing myself to get past it. She's an amazing woman and extremely support of this. She isn't rushing and does nothing but nurture Shawn and myself and guide of through this transition. I couldn't ask for him to have found someone better, to be honest.

My boundaries right now start at physical interaction. I'm just not comfortable with that yet. We talk it over constantly and he does all he can to reassure me that sex isn't the ultimate goal but he'd like to some day be able to do that. He also does all he can to show me he loves me and let me know I'm his #1, his soul mate. What we have built can't compare to anything he may have with someone else. And I feel the same way. We have been through hell and back many times over and we've fought TOGETHER for this. I want no other man to be on the same level with him, they can't compare. If it's that way for me, why is it so hard for me to accept it could truly be that way for him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
This is the time to look after yourself and be your own best primary... to me, it isn't the best time to be offering yourself to others in terms of a relationship... take care and do the things that make you feel special. Decide on some new things to make you feel special too... you could be up nights while he is out with this new love in his NRE.
I will be honest. I probably will be up nights while he is out with his new flame. But right now there are no sleep overs so it won't be all night. And I know he will come home and talk to me about what transpired between them, as I'm sure she'll talk to me about it as well. This is a process and I'm learning to trust it and go with my instincts. My instincts are telling me to keep talking, keep working through what I'm feeling and when I'm ready I will give them my blessing for physical relations. It will probably still sting a little and I may hurt but hopefully through much talking and reassurance this transition can be made and I will learn how to cope with this better or maybe it won't be nearly as bad as I thought and I'll adjust.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Take charge now of your own situation and walk right through that jealousy; it's your friend really, it will tell you things that you aren't aware of because of fear, so listen to yourself and start from there. If your partner and this new love are respectful, then they will give you the time you ask for I think.
I am walking through this jealousy every day. I am working on it piece by piece and I am being handled in the most loving caring why by both of them. Which is all I can ask. They are giving me the time I need. When he appears to get to eager I let him know how I feel when he does that and he backs off and lets me guide them to my comfort level. I am getting better slowly...but it has only been 3 or 4 days since they met in person and decided they would like to pursue something more, so I need to give myself time too. And that's exactly what I'm doing. Just need all the support to walk through to the other side.

I thank you very much for your knowledgeable words and support. I know this can work. I know I can make it through, I just have to be patient with myself.
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