This will serve as both my introduction and to tell my story and seek comfort in mine and my fiance's transition into this world.
My fiance and I have known each other for 8 years, a couple for 3, living together for 2.5. He is 35 and I am 33. We are by all appearances a complete married couple though we do not have a piece of paper to show for it. We have joint finances and all the that jazz. We have been through some incredibly hard times together and have worked very hard to be a couple. There were some issues he had in the beginning and of course there are my anxiety/depression, self esteem issues. His issues were fidelity and being honest with me. We've pretty much worked those out. But, we also had issues due to outside influences such as unemployment and financial issues, pregnancy and miscarriage, death of family members and issues with out children (from previous relationships). We've conquered it all. Now to introduce poly...
I have known of polyamory for about 10 years or so and lamely attempted it with a former partner. It didn't quite work out and we ended our relationship. It wasn't necessarily the poly that split us up. We were very young and for lack of better term, dumb. My fiance has never tried it, he just failed miserably at monogamy. He was never able to be faithful to any of this partners, even me (in the beginning). Cheating was his crutch to boosting his ego, that's his admittance. I have mostly been monogamous my whole life. I have alway wondered about the poly lifestyle and knew that it worked for some people and wondered if I was one of those people who could handle it.
About a month ago I suggested to my fiance that we begin discussion about exploring a poly/open relationship. We talked about it and he said he never thought about it before but was willing to explore. So we began with just talking with other people to see if there was anyone interesting out there. We went on one couples date but nothing came of it. He went on two dates and the second woman he's met he's made a very strong connection with and they would like to progress further. I became instantly uncomfortable with the idea of this and the jealousy and fear crept in.
We stayed up all night discussing it and we agreed that things would wait while I take time to get comfortable with this. So for the past 3 or 4 days it has been discussion after discussion with both him and with her. She has been completely amazing as she's been in this lifestyle for 8 years with her partner of 18 years. She has been a source of great comfort for me and understand exactly what I'm feeling and reminds me that my relationship with my fiance is top priority and she has no desire to come between that and if she ever feels like she would be, she'll back off. So talking with my fiance, his potential partner and he lovers (including her husband) have all made me feel so much better. However, I'm still struggling with letting go. I imagine them having sex and I get all worked up and jealous. I recognize this and try to sooth myself and talk myself through these feelings, which I know are COMPLETELY normal!
I have asked him to wait till I find someone for myself as well because we are doing this together and he's moved ahead of me. I don't know if that makes sense but everyone told me it has. I tend to be selective with potential partners and have not yet met someone with whom I have sparks. So I am simply trying to process the idea of him and another woman. It's very difficult to get past these emotions.
He explains that his relationship with her would not take away from the special bond that we have. It would be an add on, not a subtraction.
So...I just want some help transitioning into this life. I wanted to open things up and explore this. I had no one in mind when I did so. I just want to expand my mind and explore the boundaries of life. I can't tell you why I feel so compelled to do this, to force myself past this discomfort. But I feel the urge to. I am hurting a little but still desire to move past the base emotions I am feeling to a place of loving trusting freedom.