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Old 11-12-2010, 08:50 AM
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Erato Erato is offline
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Posts: 56

Selene: Yeah, I think it's valuable for me to be able to focus on him now and not worry about what might happen the next time I get distracted by feelings for someone else and the whole dance starts over. Part of why he struggled with it so much is that he wants me to be happy and fulfilled in our relationship, even if that means having to invite someone else into it, but I was rushing ahead while he was still trying to figure out if he could live with anything other than total exclusivity.

We have the luxury of time, now, and I guess eventually we'll talk about poly again if it comes up. I almost wonder if we should talk about it, more calmly now that I don't have the urgency, ahead of time. But it's been not the most enjoyable topic in the past, due to the way I approached it partly, so I'm a little hesitant to talk about it since it's not relevant right now.

That's so sad about not having time for yourself! From your signature I can see why you might find it difficult, you seem to live in a very full house! Hehe, I bet that has it's positives but I can imagine lack of 'me time' would be a down side. Still, I hope you can make some time for yourself. One thing I have to remind myself a lot is that if I don't take care of me then I can't take care of anyone else. I'm not my best self when I haven't had time to just ride my motorbike or read a book in bed alone.

MonoVCPHG: Thank you! Many of your posts on this site, not only replies to me but just the general sharing of your journey, have really helped me. I appreciate it so much. Between you and Bold I've been able to debunk my demonised version of 'Evil Monogamy'! And also realise that you're not all cookie-cut-outs of each other, hehe, I had some strange ideas that I didn't even consciously recognise before I really took a hard look at them.

GroundedSpirit: Labels certainly can be distracting, yes! And misleading as words hold different meanings to different people. My parents never had very healthy relationships when I was growing up (not blaming them for my dysfunctional view point on things, just noting that I lacked positive relationship role models) and I went on to have very dysfunctional relationships where I ended up letting myself be controlled and controlling my partner in turn. I associated Monogamous relationships with that type of dysfunction in my life, at first, and thought that my problem was that I was a misunderstood poly, I think.

Love was a trap, to me, and not a positive or enjoyable thing. Well, it was either incredibly enjoyable or it was immensely horrible. Balance was never my strong suit. So yes, I think you make a good point. Perhaps it was less about my fear of monogamy was it was about my fear of loving and being loved without control/rejection/abuse/etc.
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