Dazed, I was hoping you might PM me since I see so much of my daughter in your wife. But if you see this I'd like to recommend a book that helped me tremendously in learning how to protect my heart and boundaries around loving a person cursed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
Stop Walking on Eggshells:Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
This is a newly diagnosed mental health diagnosis, and still misunderstood by the medical community. This book is so helpful when you feel overwhelmed and hurt by having a loved one struggling with this awful disease. Please look it up on Amazon.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve.
~Percy Byshe Shelley