View Single Post
Old 11-11-2010, 04:38 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by Krazykitty View Post
. . . I don't think my darling believes that it can/should be dealt with as a couple because he sees it (insecurity/feeling ugly) as "my" issue. This is part of how the intro to poly went for me, it was never a couple discussion of how things would go but him saying "this is what I want". It seems like a marker of our relationship that I feel that emotional "stuff" is more collective and he sees it as "stuff" we individually own and are responsible for.
It's true that no one can figure your issues or feelings out for you, but I wouldn't think it's too much to ask for some support while you do. Your feelings, no matter how irrational they seem to him, should not be dismissed. What are the one or two things you would like for him to do differently that would really make a difference? As redpepper said earlier in this thread:

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
... so what do you need to hear from him, what does he need to do in order to make sure you are reminded of that next time... hell, any time! What do you need to do (ask him) so you don't freak out and go down that road again, what could you do next time at the get go so as to not spiral into those negative thoughts?
It doesn't mean he has to hold your hand every time you feel sensitive about something (or it might!), but it could mean he needs to make an adjustment somewhere. Maybe your husband is not aware of something he does or doesn't do that exacerbates your own insecurities, and you just need to ask for something to change. My husband used to tease me relentlessly about blunders I'd made, just like his father used to tease his mother. I had to break him of that habit -- he never realized how much it bothered me until I told him.

In your 1st post, you said he won't even discuss it with you anymore. I would find that incredibly frustrating. Maybe all you need to do is ask him to listen to what you have to say, and to try to do so without judging you. You sound like, to me, you just want him to hear you, not necessarily "fix" you. Maybe he thinks there isn't anything he can say or do to get you through it, so he shuts you out. Really listening to you and letting in what you're saying might be all he need do, for you to feel he is there for you. It might make the issues with which you are struggling feel less daunting (and maybe he'll gain some insight into his shit, too). It's hard to feel like you've got all this work to do on yourself while you're out there dangling on your own.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 11-11-2010 at 06:01 AM. Reason: clarification
Reply With Quote