I thought I was going to be somewhat prepared given my expectations of high failure chance going into the discussion, but part of me still clung to hope, and I guess it was that part that made it so hard. At the end of the conversations Bob said some things that greatly worried me. I asked him not to do anything rash, because when I told him august he said he wanted to throw himself out in traffic. He basically told me back, why would he do that when he has pain meds form injuring his back that would be much quicker and less painful? I rebutted and said I couldn’t live with that weight on my shoulders and he basically said I wouldn’t know as no one would contact me. I got very scared, but I didn’t know what else to say.
I also told him in my pain after the choice had been made by him that I hoped he’d find someone more deserving of him than me, who wasn’t so horrible to him, and he simply replied he wouldn’t because he wouldn’t be looking anymore. In the end the last thing he said to me was that he hoped I would be happy with my life and whatever I did with it.
I was an emotional wreck and I couldn’t stop crying. My mom came to talk to me, but she’s very mono and though she tries to understand and accept, she really doesn’t understand. She gave me hugs at least, which I needed, I cried so much I gave myself a headache. I turned to friends online for comfort in the end because they understand my being poly. John had a problem with the idea of how Bob ended it by giving me an unreasonable ultimatum, and another friend felt that Bob just really didn’t want to understand me and likely wanted to change me to the seemingly mono woman that I was before I met John and realized the truth about myself.
They all told me I was loved, but I still felt dirty, and still feel dirty today, and I feel old. I’m not even 30 yet, but I feel old. I honestly don’t know where to go from here. I still have John, but even though I have him, the pain isn’t any less. I guess for now I take it day by day. I have to work today, and I honestly hope it will be a good distraction from my emotions. I was crying alot last night, today I can’t even cry and I have a short fuse and am quick to get angry, I hope this will not get me in trouble. *sigh* I am miserable, and can only hope I will heal and recover quickly to be able to move on with my life.