It has been a very rough month and in particular a very rough past couple of days.
My family was visiting Bob in the US and Bob was calling me on the phone to give me updates, which was not something I was ready to deal with, but had to to make sure my family was alright. The moment they moved on to the next part of their vacation, I told him I wasnít ready for phone calls. He kept pushing to talk to me every night even though I wasnít ready for it. He also told me every time I talked to him over IMís that he loved me and missed me. I wanted to say it back but given I didnít know the outcome of the relationship when I eventually did tell him for a second time, now that I know for certain it is part of who I am, that I am poly, I felt awkward returning the sentiments.
Tickets and flights are booked for John and I to meet later this month. I am very excited about it and look forward to meeting him. We wonít get very long together but I still am looking forward to what time I will get.
I decided it would be best to tell Bob about the visit to meet John before I left so he didnít find out any other way and so that I was being completely honest with him and not hiding anything. I had waited until after the womenís group to do so because I was looking for some advice and reassurance before hand, I also wanted to wait till after my birthday so that I didnít hate or dread it for years to come.
Last night was the night. I did not have high hopes of our relationship being able to succeed because of something Bob and twice told me previously, that he would not compromise his religion or morals. To me I interpreted that as him not being able to understand my being poly. In the end though apparently I was told it was largely my fault for the making that assumption, but in all honestly how else am I supposed to interpret that?
The conversation did not go well, I was crying, he said he felt dizzy. I told him everything about my being poly and what it meant to me and how Iíd seen examples of how it can and does work, that Iíd done my research and been to groups to meet others who were poly and very supportive of me in my realization that I am. He said heíd apparently done some research as well and said that it was something he could live with given time to adjust. I had told him back in august I was poly. Heíd had alot of time already to adjust. Still is surprised me and was not something I was ready for. I did explain that I didnít have high hopes because of his statement (see previous paragraph), but supposedly I interpreted it wrong, and that was my fault.
I also told him about how Iíd be going to meet John soon, and that is where he had the problem. Ever since I told him I was poly and who else I loved, he has hated John. He claimed to have ďforgivenĒ him for his ďroleĒ in what happened when I called everything off for the wedding to tell him the truth. Bob said thinking about John made him physically ill and that had it been any one else he couldíve handled it. I donít control whom I love though, itís not exactly a choice, the heart doesnít work like that. He then asked me to call of the trip with John so he could have time to get used to the idea and for us to re-establish our relationship, which is not too dis-similar to what he asked me to do initially in waiting a year after he and I were to be married before I could ever meet John in person.
He didnít understand I could cancel or postpone the trip because alot of money wouldíve been lost and John did not have holidays again till the summer. Bob in the end essentially gave me an ultimatum, cancel the trip or the relationship was over. How is that fair? I love John, and I love Bob, and he was making me choose between them. The trip being cancelled never was an option, and as long as he had a problem with John I donít know that it couldíve worked out anyway. Still it didnít make it sting any less.