Hello everyone, havent been here for a while. Life got busy, marraige troubles and emotional drain have kept me.
November 14th will be our 23rd anniversary and things are not good. I came out to my husband in March. After a long separation. He left for three weeks.
There are blowups, crying sessions, many many hours of discussion while other important things in our lives get a little neglected (not our kids) It's very draining. We keep coming back to the same conclusion, our love for one another. Things go well for a while, I even dated a little in the summer which he seemed to do well with. He would withdraw and I would encourage him to talk to me. Usually, he would feel better after conversation and moving forward.
Now, even though I have not been dating, there has been a change. He's telling me that my love, my affection, sentiments are meaningless because I have given those away to others. This is heart wrenching for me. This whole thing has been. Watching him struggle breaks my heart, I tell him how sorry I am. I cry. He tells me not to be sorry,not to cry. He says he accepts me, still loves me but it's not the same for him anymore. That this marraige is nothing.
I so much want/need him to understand that my love for HIM could not be the "same" love I might develop for another. I've experienced being in love with another man. Frankly, it enhanced my love for my husband. It seemed to "free" me in many ways. I felt MORE love for my husband (even though at the time, we were separated), its like my love and adoration for my husband just EXPLODES when I have another love interest, my creativity expands, the mundane things in life I am able to make enjoyable and I'm more committed to doing it and doing it well (household things,etc) I have more patience with my kids, feel even CLOSER to Jesus(frankly, He's my reason for being able to come to "me")... my passion for life & for all that I am just seems to grow extensively!!!
Yet, it hurts my husband. I've experienced the "shut down" of my heart, when I am hurting for him, because of him,etc. He wants to leave this marraige so that I can be "free" to "be who you are", he says. Yet, I am not free, somehow if I cannot love & be with my husband, I am unable to have any love for another man. In my heart, mind and soul, it makes no sense to love another without my husband. Impossible.
*Hubby understands and accepts who I am. Even contributed to the reason with a brilliant thought. Two fathers since I was 4, biological & step, both whom I was close with, loved & adored growing up.
*Hubby thinks maybe divorce but still living together or just divorce and leaving.
*Hubby knows I love him and him, I. When I'm down on my knees in front of him, hands wandering, looking up in love and adoration he believes, accepts, owns my words when I tell him how sexy he is,etc. Yet, the simplicity of refering to him as babe or gorgeous verbally or text, he says he can't own. He doesnt believe me. This makes no sense to me.
Broken hearted and struggling to understand. Any thoughts?
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. ~Lao Tzu~