Maybe one has nothing to do with the other. That's what I'm trying to sort through. (And I'm feeling confused just trying to get my concerns in writing! LOL)
I've written before that I often feel like a "secondary" to the already existing relationship of "my" couple. I feel like I don't get consulted or notified about what's going on most of the time. And we certainly don't sit down or call or email, etc. to make decisions all together....about anything. And yes....they were together for about a year before he and I met, so there's a certain amount of "knowing" and "comfort" they have together that we haven't had time to develop. At the same time they say they want a poly "family" and don't want me to feel like a secondary. I've had a discussion with him a few times already about incidents where I very much felt secondary, and while he said he didn't want me to feel that way there wasn't much he could/would do at this time to change the situations I raised.
We don't currently live together. I lived with them for about one month when I moved for a job change and to be closer to them about 2 months ago. I've been in my own place for about a month now. When we were living together the communication, decision making, etc. was no different/better than it is now.
Since making the move, I've found out that our guy has A.D.H.D. This might account for some of the reason why he doesn't always think ahead or keep track of his plans for the week, month, etc., gets distracted, unfocused, etc. I just don't know. And I don't know how much is just my ego.
Yesterday when we're all out casually shopping together it came out that he's flying out to visit his daughter and grandsons this coming Friday. I knew he was going to go sometime in Nov., but didn't have specific plans the last I knew. Now mind you...he and I had several hours of couple time before yesterday on Fri evening and part of Sat evening, and he never thought to mention his plans. She said something like "Well, he just made the flight plans a few days ago. I'm sure he would have thought to tell you soon." I honestly don't think he would have! I suspect I would have called him up later this week only to hear he was out of state visiting family, or not even until he got back!!! And that's exactly what I said to my couple. No particular response from them.
Then while we were shopping, a coat caught his eye. We were all standing there together. He proceeded to turn to her and ask her what she thought about the coat in terms of style, weather use, if she thought he was trying to look too young, etc. When he tried it on he turned to her and asked her how he looked, etc. Never even glanced my way much less asked my opinion or feedback. (Now, I'm not a fashion guru, but I think I have good taste. People have complemented me on my style/clothing before. I am, however, 12 years older than she (he and I are the same age), so maybe that was a factor in wanting her opinion and not mine?????) I was hurt and sad, underneath my initial anger. But, I'm tired of pointing things out like this and don't want to be seen as a "whiner", so I let it go.
What I'm trying to sort through is whether these incidents could be part of his A.D.H.D.? If so, they're not the easiest factors to deal with in establishing a poly relationship, and they're not going to change. On the other hand I'm tired of being "overlooked". If it's the A.D.H.D., it would be easier for me not to personalize it...to cut him some slack and attempt to adapt/adjust. Even if it is the A.D.H.D., I'm not sure I want to be part of trying to manage it while trying to develop a poly relationship. It tends to feed one of my concerns about ever considering poly; having enough time, attention and consideration with the one(s) I love.
My ego? My whining? My ?????? Them not working as hard to incorporate me into the "family" as I am, even though they were the ones who approached me about poly?? Thoughts. Feedback, please. Be somewhat gentle, ok? My ego has taken a beating.
Last edited by dragonflysky; 11-08-2010 at 08:34 PM.