Originally Posted by redpepper
If you are not feeling the love in an engagement and only pain, then that would be a red flag to me... not because of the other guy, but because of your fiancée? If you separate your feelings out into your fiancée and the other man... do you love and want to be with him for the rest of your life? Does it feel sustainable, is it rationally sustainable, do you think that you and he can progress into the future? What can you do to make sure that happens? What have you not laid out on the table in order to have a happy marriage? What has he not laid out?
Lastly, but not the least... is you. You need to take a break (you are, but REALLY allow that) and use this time this other man has given you to re-group and look into yourself I think. Be introspective; what do you want for your future, regardless of those you love? What is it you want to create out of your relationships? Do you want a large chosen family? Do you want more kids? Do you want to be a lone traveler of the globe? Only you know the answers and you are your own primary.
Derby said once and I think she is right, "everyone in your life can leave, but you can't leave yourself" you are number one. That to me, would be where to start first... taking care of myself in whatever way works.
Reading your posts I have often thought you are a very ... organised lady
and this proves it to me... lol I knew all of it but just couldn't separate it Thanks btw.
With regards to the engagement - I love my partner deeply and truly, together forever soulmates, what I am having difficulty with is the idea that maybe somehow by not being able to answer his questions, by not knowing exactly what I want I am somehow deceiving him into accepting who I am when I don't know who I am (this even though he knows of my struggles right now).
That if it turns out that this is not just a phase (which I don't think it is), or maybe some over abundance of love welling out of me after being out of my very abusive and restrictive marriage (a possibility but I don't think it is ever gonna stop
), he is going to be crushed. I don't want to do that to him, add to that how badly I feel that I feel like I have been the nail in the coffin on his relationship with T. It is a struggle to deal with.
Taking care of myself... still figuring that one out. Still learning that I am worth my own effort.... Not much really that I can delve into on that one for the simple reason that I need a hell of a lot of verbal diahhorrea and crying to happen, and I need to do that in a safe place away from my children... they have enough to deal with themselves.
I am working on that one though... and hopefully will accomplish a lot of this while up in Canadia this time round.
I will work on answering those questions you have asked, they are very good... go ahead throw some more at me