Last night turned a bit...hard for me. Because we has just gotten a new cat, Archimedes, Andulvar wanted to sleep at home. Since I was going to volunteer at a book sale early in the morning, I opted to stay there ( as thats was where my ride was and I have trouble getting up early). Andulvar said it was fine and left....I'm still not sure if it really was "fine".
Going to sleep was difficult. Even with everyone else, I still missed the hell out of my primary since it has been a long, long time since I have actually slept alone. Nightmare after nightmare abounded, resulting in little sleep...for him too. We got a call at about 5 AM saying that the book sale was off due to the rainstorm we are currently having. Later I woke to a text message from Andulvar saying that he loves me and to be careful. I went back and spent a few minutes with him.
After he left for work, I was plagued with many emotions. Anger, fear, depression, all gave way to self doubt. In that moment, I hated myself for no reason. I could not stand my own seemingly foul presence and felt I had to be ended* I also felt so much love for my circle house that I wanted to cry but had no tears for it.
So I ate, drank my coffee, and went back to my circle house. I buried my hurt inside and went back.
*(I have bi-polar disorder so these thoughts are common, unfortunatly).