Originally Posted by CielDuMatin
I agree, but I have seen that used to generate some quite negative patterns in the relationship.
Asking for "You are beautiful" - good thing
Asking for "You are more beautiful than her" - bad thing.
"You are great in bed" vs "you are better than her in bed"
"You give great blowjobs" vs "you give the BEST blowjobs I have ever had"
and so on.
What I feel is healthy is most definitely validation, but not comparison, for down that road lies madness.
So I think that it is vital to get to the point where validation can work, and doesn't have to descend into competition.
Does that make more sense?
I see your point, I wasn't very clear. I don't think it is ever a good idea for men to comment on a woman's looks in the negative. There is too much of a load attached to that, however, that wasn't my intent in my comment. what I meant by discussing what words need to be heard and creating boundaries that would facilitate th OP getting her needs met was more around love than beauty. It seems she becomes concerned that he doesn't love her or loves the other woman more because she considers her more beautiful, well what could he do and say that would put her mind more at ease...... so as to not spiral into negative thoughts.
Originally Posted by Fidelia
I could not agree with this point more, redpepper, except that I think that it is possible to heal from these issues. At least I hope it is and, for myself, I'm working toward that end.
I'm so glad you have hope in this way... it's inspiring. I will endeavor to do so also.