So those who read my intro post know I have recently had a court case over parenting and relocation... that is now done and we are waiting on the judgement to be handed down (hopefully sometime before December).
My partner and I didn't really get too deep into the poly conversation as he was hurting deeply from the convo we had had previous to him flying down, and plus all the court stuff, and then we had a minor discussion where he did most of the talking. Essentially from what I can remember, he is ok as long as I am able to say that I do love him, and that i don't love him less, and that I won't leave him.
These are things that I can do quite easily, but to me miss out and fall far short of the discussion we need to have. I am still unable to answer his question of whether I am IN love with his friend, mainly because there is a huge wad of pain in the way he (our friend) reacted to all this and cut us off.
After our talk my partner felt compfortable enough to ask me to marry him, which I accepted (It was very romantic and wonderful - I just have a pragmatic way of writing). I am still unsure of what we are heading into though, and feel as though I should take the engagement off the table until we are really certain of what the other is expecting. Don't mistake me - I love my sweetie so very much, I just don't want to hurt him by not being able to move away from this lifestyle or rather from my love for his friend. I am not interested in pursuing someone else to round me out, i just love two wonderful men and need to incorporate a lifestyle to accomodate that.
I have become very subdued from the person I usually am, and have retreated a lot emotionally from my partner as well. I feel quite shell shocked. I am back in Canada with my partner in about 10 days and am planning a nice cosy mental breakdown followed by deep soulsearching (I leave Xmas Eve so hopefully will be all good by the time I get back to my gorgeous kiddies) and figuring myself out.
The whole time our friend has been in his no contact state he has been changing his facebook and msn pictures in time with my status updates, and i feel he has been trying to communicate. his facebook has disappeared now though. I have been deleted
his msn is still there though and I am hanging on to that at the moment.
I am in agonies of needing to talk to our friend, it eats me up inside, but I am hanging on tightly to his need to have no contact, though I did break that yesterday to send a very short note to send best wishes to him on his birthday, to which he replied with a thank you. not sure what if anything that means.
To put it shortly - I am confused and needing some direction to steer towards...