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Old 11-05-2010, 09:56 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Location: Upstate New York, USA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
This but I think when it comes to a woman's body image stuff it never goes away. It is just how we are raised and it always lingers in the back of our minds... at least that is my experience of it. To think/say/assume it won't come up again my be short sighted.
RP I totally agree with you. You make my point (as you often do) better than I.... what I kind of meant was that if they are going to try this again, it can't result in a melt-down. There has to be some work done to put things in place that make it less of a risk. I have known people who have put rules in place that say "you can't date anyone prettier than me" or "You can't date anyone younger than me" or "you can't date anyone better endowed than me".

Those sorts of things can be problematic, because they often come from a base of insecurity and there will always be *something*.

So I think my point was that this is likely to be a regular occurrence with ANYONE that he dates, and that the solution isn't to try to restrict it to "safe" people, but to instead try to get to the bottom of it, and put tools in place to deal with it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I think it might be better to figure out with him how to deal with it as a part of your relationship dynamic that you share, rather than putting it all on you Kk.
I am a big advocate of teamwork, and I probably didn't stress that enough. The thing is that I believe that the OP needs to know how to communicate what triggered things and what things could be done to stop it becoming so much of a bad thing. You can't communicate something that you don't completely understand yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
You are valid in your feelings even though they are not rational. You are beautiful no matter what and he believes that... so what do you need to hear from him, what does he need to do in order to make sure you are reminded of that next time... hell, any time! What do you need to do (ask him) so you don't freak out and go down tat road again, what could you do next time at the get go so as to not spiral into those negative thoughts?
I agree, but I have seen that used to generate some quite negative patterns in the relationship.

Asking for "You are beautiful" - good thing
Asking for "You are more beautiful than her" - bad thing.

"You are great in bed" vs "you are better than her in bed"

"You give great blowjobs" vs "you give the BEST blowjobs I have ever had"

and so on.

What I feel is healthy is most definitely validation, but not comparison, for down that road lies madness.

So I think that it is vital to get to the point where validation can work, and doesn't have to descend into competition.

Does that make more sense?
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