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Old 08-20-2009, 05:42 PM
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arpeggi arpeggi is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 9

Thank you all so much for your time and responses.
Seeing as there are all so many, I'll just respond individually and try to keep myself as to the point as possible.

Thank you.
That is spot-on, Lily feels inadequate despite my ceaseless attempts to tell her that it's not a matter of good or not good enough. She understands, she gets how I am and fully wishes that she were the same, but (as I will get into in other responses) she just can't shake the feeling of inadequacy, much like Dahlia.

Lily and Dahlia have tried to meet, but only at public events like a show or something similar. It always ended up as an awkward hello and goodbye.

That's a very very similar situation and I'm relieved to have someone able to relate.
I've wished that Lily and Dahlia could form a relationship, ideally romantic, but as Mono says in the next response, Lily and Dahlia are mono, which reduces that possibility to fantasy. They would do absolutely anything to make me happy, but they themselves could never be happy in a poly lifestyle. Lily is bi, but probably only bi-curious, I've gathered from when we've discussed it. She'd like to try being with a girl but I feel like she only wants a romantic relationship with me. Dahlia is hetero, plain and simple. She regrets not knowing better, she knew that she couldn't be happy in this situation, but neither of us had any control over us falling in love.

I feel like some day Lily's fears might disappear. I know both of us hope desperately that they do, or that we could remove them. But whether it's a feeling or just a hope, I can't tell.

Thanks Mono.
You are definitely right, Lily is mono. As much as she wants to be poly, she has those unshakable feelings. Dahlia, in our last phone call after that show, said that she would be okay with things now if we were to get back together. That either means that she found some new way to deal with things, or that she realized that she is poly, or I don't know what. I have no way of finding out, as she is hardly likely to post it in a Facebook status update. *

You've hit the nail on the head. I just want to love them and both as happy as I can, and have no hurt involved at all. It's so painfully ironic that the one thing I want is the only thing I can't do.

If Dahlia and I got back together, Lily would collapse. If I left her and got with Dahlia, I really don't want to think about what that would do to Lily. Plus, I would long for Lily as I long for Dahlia now, and then that would make her upset that she couldn't make me happy. If I left them both, well, it's obviously a lose-lose-lose situation. Dahlia on more than one occasion had told me that she would never love anyone like she loves me, and though she has never said it, I know for a fact that Lily feels the same.

And even if any of us were able to move on, months and months from now, I would be so disillusioned. What is the point of love if I can't have the people I do love, and make them happy? Isn't that what love is supposed to be? Why did I fall so deeply, irreversibly in love with two indescribably wonderful people, if all I can do is hurt them?

I've gotten very existential as a result of all this. bleeeehhhhhhhhaksdkajdh.

*That reminds me, this has all been almost completely in the closet. I've only told my closest of friends and my oldest sister, who I knew would all understand. Lily tried telling a friend, but it didn't go over well. Dahlia's friends found out about it and caused major problems for us, because they didn't understand and thought I was using her. During the final goodbye conversation, one of them started harassing and degrading me. I was such an emotional wreck, I didn't stop her because I felt I was worth nothing and deserved it. - - - So, no one but a very small circle of friends know I'm poly and bi, some of them not even the latter. I've been trying to ignore that aspect too. Lily has much less trouble with it, even no trouble at all, since she knows that she can't provide me with certain things that I lust for. But I digress, that's a different facet to this brittle jewel.
hit the bottom
hit the bottom,
and escape
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