Thank you ekl. I like the label! I was bi-curious for a long time and I think I can officially say I'm a step above that now, but not full-on bi.
Yeah I agree with you...B, as much as I love him, is hard to deal with. He's very bratty and things tend to revolve around him, and yes, I think he holds double standards sometimes. He's flat out told me that part of the reason he and H are still together is because he doesn't have the heart to go through a divorce, and I told him that's fine, as long as they're stable enough and I'm not the glue holding the whole thing together. I really want to commit to the triad, but this week the idea has been just eating me alive. I can't do it if I'm not in love right now. Not spending a year apart right off the bat. I told them that today...that sucks too, because they come back in a few days and I won't see them...ugh. B, for the first time, tried telling me I just haven't had time to fall in love and to stay with them. But H pointed out that she didn't want to convince me to stay, and she's right and I told her she shouldn't have to. I should be thrilled to be a part of this, and that only happens about half the time. I didn't tell them about J...I know that's shady and I hate myself for it. I came into this type of relationship hoping to get rid of the sneaky-ness.
Oh I'm totally complicating the situation!!! I know this. It's what I do; even when I really, really don't want to, I complicate things. The problem with me lately is I really just don't sleep with people I don't have feelings for, and if I do fuck you, it's gonna intensify them. This is why I just shouldn't have sex with someone til I'm sure about them, but my sex drive HATES that idea. J and I did have sex on hold...for a day...and damn if I didn't wake up to him all over me last night...so I don't know what's goin on there right this moment.
So...the bottom line is...I don't know. None of this has gone the way it should have. I'm kinda without any of my partners now, and that's my fault. I'm at a loss of how I could've been more honest without B totally freaking out. Arrrgh, so disappointed in me, and I know I'm going to miss B&H...but I can also go out in public with J...I'm ranting, don't mind me...