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Old 11-05-2010, 05:56 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

The word and idea of "permission" is an interesting one... when we enter into a relationship with someone it comes with expectations, one of those is that we won't have sex with others. At least this is part of the expectations of monogamous relationships anyways, which is what you, OP, started with. So the idea of permission might makes sense from this point of view perhaps (I dunno, I haven't been in a mono for a realllllly long time and never got them when I was)? Especially as it sounds like you had a conversation that just started the topic of poly. Just a notion of what it might mean to you both.

Of course we are not "owned" my our partners, but we respect them and understand the nature of the trust they have of us. It is this trust and respect is what is what is thought of when we desire others and want to engage sexually with them, not do we have "permission," that is a slippery slope that leads to justifying fucking whomever just because we get resentful. It twists our partners right to be respected, considered and cherished.

Personally if I had any partner that thought I should ask permission I would be wondering what was behind that. What is it that they need from me in order to feel respected, cherished and that I can be trusted... same the other way around... If a partner thought that I would be expecting that they ask permission, I would be wondering what was behind that too. Do they think I don't trust them? Do they not cherish me or respect me enough to know that I honour their freedom to do what they will, but will not stay if they damage their integrity and self worth with cheating and lying in order to get their needs met. There is no need for it. I would expect that they would exercise good boundaries when it comes to sex and would trust that they would check in with me first, because they care about my feelings, about what I think and that I am okay. If I am not okay, I would also trust that they would slow down and make sure that I am okay and continue at a pace that feels safe for me... continue. because it isn't okay to just stop moving forward, but slowly.
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