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Old 11-04-2010, 11:44 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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@eklctc- I agree, but as we are talking of a possible partner in this woman mumbles is speaking of I think there are some differences in expectation and assumption on how communication should go in order to have a successful relationship. When I spoke in my last post I was referring to the possibility that he may reach deeper and more connected a relationship. That is only worth investing in with some people. I don't bother telling co-workers, for example, how I wish to receive feedback and I select very carefully what battle/conversation/issue I wish to participate in. I don't expect them to invest in me like I do my partners in terms of deep connected communication but I do expect to be respected and relied on as a team member and all the communciation that comes with that. I model how I want to be treated and if someone were to unknowingly hurt my feelings or be negative towards me then I would tell them I am hurt and why. That's it.

Partners are a different story for me. I invest in something different with them. Something deeper and more vulnerable. I think it goes from the "politics of words" as you call it, I like that , to just being completely open and honest and also ourselves; vulnerable. I think one needs to use the politics to create ones own way of being within that.

When PN and I took communication courses we were choppy and sounded contrived and just plain not ourselves in our practice of skills, but that was the starting point. The point was to move past that to something that sounded like us. We have reached that, although we have a long way to go and its all changing as life seems to be about change.

I guess I think if mumbles wants a relationship with this woman the first hurdle (as it is with most budding relationships) is communicating when someone has fucked up at it. It can be a make or break thing in a relationship. Mumbles sounds like he has decided she is not worth it and that is fine, but if he chose to find out what she is made of and whether or not she is partner worthy I would suggest the approach I had above. Why wait, why skirt around stuff and expect she get it. Honesty is about being honest; just coming out and saying, you hurt me and could this of gone down this way, could it go down that way next time. Saying what is deep inside of us with vulnerablility and compassion for the listener. At least that is what "non-violent communication" techniques have taught me. They have faired me up very well (when I chose to use them ).
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