A month later, things seemed to have evened out, in a way. Lily was pretty good, and from what I gathered through Facebook statuses and the like, Dahlia seemed alright. I remained depressed and longed to even talk to Dahlia more than I care to describe. I cried every other night. I was/am so thankful to still have Lily, I love her so exorbitantly, but it was like having a piece of my heart taken away. Or a couple of limbs, more viscerally speaking.
My band was playing a fairly large local show, which I was admittedly excited about. Jasper, my best friend and guitar player in the band, was friends with Dahlia and heard that she might be coming to the show. Why she would ever do that escaped me, and I was nervous beyond compare. I thought that we had had an understanding that we could never see each other again.
For the duration of the show (not just our set, i mean the event), I managed to keep my composure, but I was clearly not myself (Lily was surprised i was able to remain composed for as long as i did). However, when it was time to go, I had to go get a friend of mine, Salvia, who we were giving a ride home (who happened to be one of the few friends i've told any of this to). He had been hanging out with Dahlia during the course of the event, not linking up the name and the person until I called him over from halfway across the field and said, "It's time to go. Could you please give her a hug from me?"
He did, and when he came over to the car, hugged me back and I just outright erupted into sobs. I had to sit down with my legs out the door of the van and cried for ten minutes. I collected myself and we all went back to my house.
The next day (about two weeks ago), I was sleeping over with some friends, and I got a call from Dahlia. We talked for fifteen minutes about if I didn't want to see her at public events (which of course I did/do, but couldn't/cant) ,how she had thought about everything for that month and decided that she would be okay with things again, about how so ludicrously much we love each other. The eventual and painful conclusion, again, was that we still could not talk.
If you think that is getting old, imagine how I feel.
So here I am. Here we are. I'm heartbroken and showing no signs of recovery. Lily wants desperately to make me happy, and I want desperately to make her happy, but those are things we apparently aren't very good at doing. Two people tragically, deeply in love, unable to make each other happy. What do we do? I need Lily and Dahlia, Lily and Dahlia need me, but if I get back together with Dahlia then Lily will collapse, probably beyond recovery, even though she wishes to the point of despair that she were different and she could let me live the life I dream of. Ah yes, that's another thing. She wishes she could love like me, and I wish I could love like her. We make each other feel inadequate, wrong. We briefly talked about breaking up, but I know that it would push us both over the edge. As much as we hurt each other, we do bring joy and comfort into each other's lives and are totally necessary to each other.
The situation right now is that of least pain, but we can't stay like it forever. It isn't healthy to never be happy.
If you read all of that, thank you so, so much. It came out way lengthier than I intended, and how much was necessary I really do not know. If it is off-target for this board then I will edit it as needed or even remove it entirely, and I apologize.
I guess, in the end, I'm wondering if there is anyone who suffers or has suffered the same emotional trauma and tragic situation. I need to know if there is some stupidly obvious thing that we're missing, something, anything, that we can do to fix this horrible mess of love and abandon.
Again, thank you so much if you read any of this.
hit the bottom
hit the bottom,