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Old 11-02-2010, 08:58 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,464

Stuff like that is very hard to deal with, especially when you are put "in the middle" and forced to try to come up with some sort of solution.

You often read the stuff like "if your marriage isn't good then you really shouldn't be looking to go out and find another" - poly is not the fix for a bad marriage, in the same way that children aren't - what that leads to is the children or the other relationships suffering. So I tend to strongly advocate against that sort of thing.

However, this situation sounds completely different to me. You entered into this poly thing with the full agreement of all involved. it also sounds like your husband was in agreement of you pursuing a relationship with your current boyfriend. You have built a loving relationship and that needs to be respected, as much as everything else does.

Now, the "you made me give up drinking so you have to give up your boyfriend" (I'm paraphrasing, I know) seems pretty unfair to me. The drinking was something that was harming him and your relationship, it sounds like. You having a boyfriend isn't (if it was then why did he agree to it?). So to me the two bear no connection to each other.

If the request were more like "look, we've got problems and we really need to be focusing our energies on our relationship and shouldn't get distracted" then that is a very different request that can be dealt with in very different ways.

If the three of you are working as a team to make all of this work, then your boyfriend will no doubt also be very upset at the problems that you have with your marriage and be doing whatever he can to support you - whether than means giving you more time with your husband, or a shoulder to cry on or whatever. You don't have to automatically give up your relationship with your boyfriend in order to spend some more time working on the relationship with your husband. (I would also hope that this would work the other way around too - if you were having problems with the relationship with your boyfriend and things were good with your husband, I would hope that your husband would support you and give you the time and energy that it takes to get things worked on)

However, if you are really in the confrontational mode of him saying "what you give to him you can't give to me" - the zero-sum model of love, then you are going to hit this sort of challenge often.

To me commitment means not turning tail and running at the first sign of trouble (what I call "fair weather poly"). It's easy to stick together during the good times - the challenge is how it all works during the hard times.

Obviously we can't know your exact circumstances, so it's hard to get too specific - all we can do is offer some general advice, and hope that some of it can apply to your situation.

If you feel like talking more about it, please feel free.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb

Last edited by CielDuMatin; 11-03-2010 at 03:08 AM.
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