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Old 11-02-2010, 12:26 PM
openheart openheart is offline
New Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3
Default And suddenly, everything feels different

Hi everyone, I skipped the Introduction section for now, becuase I'm really desperate.

I'm male, straight, 30 years old and in a monogamous relatioship of 3.5 years. We're pretty open about everything, at least we try to be. Our relationship has ups and downs, I think like most of them do. I've always needed my time alone and also time out alone, meeting new people. I really love her a lot. My own feelings confuse me though and led me to thinking about polyamory.

In all my relationships after a while my feelings become paradox. I love my s/o still as much as the first day and more every day, but also somehow I feel something is missing, like I could never be 100% happy in a monogamous relationship. I've always entertained the thought that in a perfect world, love wouldn't be restricted to single monogamous relationships, but never seriously came out with the idea.
In order to compensate, I think I had one or two crushes on friends during the last 2 years, to partly satisfy that feeling within me, which since I could never cheat on my girlfriend, always stayed secret crushes which turned into platonic friendships, which is great too, but as i realise now, not what fulfils my desires. My desires which are less sexual than you'd expect from a guy, more well, platonic, emotional, philosophical, but also romantic and sexual of course..

And now here I am, sprouting a new crush on one of my acquaintances from my "2nd life" out in bars, but this time it was a little overwhelming, I just had 2 very very deep and interesting conversations with this woman and I absolutely couldn't help experiencing and enjoying this feeling growing stronger and deeper, well aware that I still love my girl back home very much whom I don't want to hurt.

Now I'm blessed with a girlfriend with lots of love and understanding, who is the driving factor in our relationship to talk about everything. I fear my confusing feelings or not being fully satisfied hurt our relationship and causes suffering for the both of us.

We're not really totally happy, because I think we both don't really know what we want, somehow.

The more I read and think about polyamory, the more I feel I have to resolve this issue, but I'm so terribly scared of destroying everything. I just can't find a way how to start the discussion and can't find the guts to do so, yet.

Before me, my girlfriend was in an open relationship, but I think mostly because of her bisexual boyfriend. I don't know how she'd take it. She is a very intelligent and feeling person, open to alternative ideas, that's for sure. But she's also very jealous and needs me very very very much.

I know you cannot take away the decision and the burden from me, but I hope for a little advice, because I'm really lost. If the idea of seriously considering polyamory hadn't crossed my mind I would have gone insane or done something stupid by now.

Thank you all for listening, and please excuse if my English isn't perfect, as it is only my 2nd language.

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