Thread: To Vent
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Old 11-01-2010, 07:55 AM
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pancake pancake is offline
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Japan
Posts: 52

I’m in the middle of another panic attack…so B&H are still gone. Communication’s been a little bit better since B hasn’t been working/networking as much the last week. But here’s the issue now…me and J. J and I met each other about 6 years back when we both lived in Vegas. We were casual friends then…never really did much hanging out on our own. He was always pursuing some other girl…our friend K or the girls at UNLV. I left Vegas in 2008 to move here and J went to a series of other cities for training. But we work in a small (ok it’s big, but contained) business, and J moved here in March. Here is hard for single-types…it’s very family-friendly, which is awesome for families because it is expensive to travel here. But makes it tough on us…there’s very few of us singlish types around here. Most everyone’s married off and we’re at the point where a lot of our friends are starting their families. So J and I stick together a lot. We’ve hung out here or there since he’s been here…he was in Korea for a couple of months and then we both took back-to-back trips home so didn’t see each other much til lately, and usually then only about once a week. I’m usually his “date” to any of his work functions since he’s the only single guy. The wives would always ask when we were gonna hook up, and I’d always blow it off because we’d only ever been friends…just now I was more of a crutch because I was a familiar face in a new place. Last week, we went out and ended up at my place afterwards. Nothing happened…we snuggled, he even slept in his jeans. I didn’t think anything of it. Another typical week went by. He asked me if I wanted to go to a costume party with him, and of course I did…I love Halloween! We hung out on Friday night…went bowling with our friend R and then went back to J’s house. R ended up leaving pretty quickly because he was exhausted…last week was killer on all of us. I stayed for awhile to chat with J, which is kinda what killed me…he told me how unhappy he was in this job and how he wishes he could quit, but he’s obligated to stay for 5 more years. He feels jaded…he spent his whole life to get to where he is and it wasn’t (and isn’t) all it was cracked up to be. Sounded way too familiar…almost exactly what I’ve been going through lately. I managed to tear myself away (he texted later to say that his favorite shirt smelled like my hair…super cute) that night, but that brings us to Saturday. I went to a going away and then J picked me up (the going away was at a brewery). I was drunk already…not unreasonably so but still…so when he took me home to change, I ended up kissing him in my shoe room. He kinda laughed, told me to go get dressed. We went to the party, which was alright but kinda tame already…but ended up playin Rock Band well into the night (REALLY hard for me to do drunk, just BTW). At about 2:30, we called it a night and he drove me home. We had the awkward “talk to you later” moment and I went inside. I got ready for bed and pulled my laptop out to see if I could catch B&H…and J Skyped me. I couldn’t resist…I’d been really surprised when I went home because I had the option of fooling around but didn’t take it…didn’t want to because I was so happy with the way things were going with them. Now seems to be different, and I’m not entirely sure why. I couldn’t resist telling him that yes I would like company in bed…and when he got there it was game over. I’m not even sure why all the sudden I’m attracted to him after years of not!!! But I remembered how much I love getting to make out (something that’s fairly rare with B&H…I really only get kisses hello and goodbye and make outs are usually H and I while we’re all fooling around…and B only makes out with me in stolen moments, when H goes to pick something up or walks outta the room…I think that’s still an issue for her) and something that is sooooo so very essential for turning me on! And I remembered how much I really like a twosome more than a threesome. Three definitely has it moments…but I seem to like the intimacy of two better. We’d start, then stop, then start again…he left around 11 on Sunday to go workout and study, and came back to me around 6…and yeah, we did it again and it was crazy hot…on the couch! So now, I’ve got all this NRE goin for him, but I can’t sustain it…I shouldn’t have done anything with him because of B&H, who come back in a week. So I feel awful at the same time. B&H say they’re in love and don’t want me to be with anyone else. B is pushing for me to commit before I move in a month. Also, I never really wanted to date J because he’s a good Catholic boy who just wants to go back to Wisconsin and own a bar and have babies. Neither Wisconsin nor babies are in my future. But he’s sweet and nerdy (in a fun way) and would be really good to me if I let it happen. B&H definitely get my latent rebellion and encourage that in me…but B is very all or nothing and would alternate between crushed and really mean if he found out how I’m feeling about J. He is not traditionally sweet and life tends to be about his career right now. H caters to him and is almost submissive in that respect. She is my romance, she does the sweet things in our relationship, even though right now I’m not as into her as she is into me. H would not be happy about me and J but would be more forgiving…she “gets” me really well and understands my issues. I can’t even begin to tell J about B&H. So I don’t know what direction to go in right now. I’m really kinda disappointed in myself. Regardless, I want to spend time with J, which would be fine minus the way I’m feeling about him right now. I feel guilty and confused and pressured and in total lust for J and in total wish-I-was-in-love with B&H all at the same time. I love doing what feels right but I get scared about really committing to anything, much less a really alternative way to live and love…it would be easier to find a guy to be with (I would say marry, but I don’t know that I’ll ever actually marry someone)…I could easily see myself doing either but there’s no happy middle ground for me right now…this is like my own personal hell…or version of Twilight. I can imagine my life just as easily either way...the good "normal" way or with B&H doin our own thing. B just wrote “We are in love with you and want to see this through. You have to get out of your own way. Fall and I will catch you baby I promise.” How do I reconcile that, which totally made me swoon, with what I’m feeling for J right now? Especially when I already know that me having a boyfriend outside our triad would not fly…and WTF is my problem??? Why must I make life so difficult?
Luckily we’re about to go into overdrive at work …our typically long days will get even longer and this weekend will be victim to work. J’s job is much more involved than mine and I probably won’t see him much since he’s gotta get into all his routines. That doesn’t stop me from craving him though.
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