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Old 11-01-2010, 03:26 AM
Marle Marle is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5
Default confusing breakup

Hi there. I'm in a poly marriage and I live with my husband and his girlfriend. But this isn't about them. My first secondary partner just broke up with me this week, and I kinda don't know how this happened.

We'd been dating for three months, but I didn't know, until he was breaking up with me, that he was actually against polyamory. He was telling me how he wanted to have a relationship with someone that could get to marriage, and I reminded him that (obviously) he could see someone else while seeing me. But he said that he wouldn't want to be with someone who would let him do that. He wouldn't accept his partner seeing anyone else, so he didn't want his partner to accept that of him. Wait, what? was my response.

How did I wind up with someone who was against poly? Probably because I didn't think that would be possible if I was open and clear about my situation, given that I'm living in a poly household. Wouldn't adamantly mono people just stay clear of that kinda thing, because that's not what they're looking for? I assumed that anyone who would get involved with me would be at least open and curious about poly. But the ex never actually was. We never talked about what we wanted out of a relationship. It was great at the beginning, and I didn't think there was anything to talk about, because it was great as it was, and we'd have time to figure out what it would be later. I made the mistake with my husband's girlfriend of worrying at the beginning about where was it going to go, where could it go, etc, and there were no answers at the time. I eventually let go of the worry, and now she lives with us and it's pretty cool. So I didn't think anything of not having a game plan in the first few months. Another warning sign was that he didn't want to spend time with my husband. But at the time my husband was leery of him too, as he was just starting to get used to jealousy from his perspective. So it was easy not to have them ever see each other.

So we had a great relationship for 2 months (NRE and everything ) and then he started becoming distant and withdrawn. This correlated with some things in his life that would make one pretty stressed and depressed, so I didn't push too much at the change. I kept trying to talk to him though, but he didn't want to talk. Then it was over. I found out during our breakup talk that he had basically been trying to ignore that I was married and that got harder and harder. Because of the situation and the way he was looking at it, he got very bitter about our relationship and polyamory in general. He wasn't seeing the opportunities of poly, he was seeing it as keeping us apart. And I had no idea that he was feeling that way. By the time I finally knew how he felt, it was clear there was no fixing it. He doesn't want to be polyamorous, he doesn't want to be with someone who is. I just wish he figured that out three months ago before starting this.

I'm kinda lost right now, because I wasn't expecting it to end. I never expected we had problems that were completely unrepairable.

Has anyone else ever gotten in a relationship with someone who unexpectedly turned out to be monogamous? How does that even happen? It wasn't like we were in a relationship for a while that he assumed to be mono. It wasn't like we had been friends and he had a secret crush on me and jumped at the chance as soon as he found out. I went on a dating site and put in my profile that I was married and not much else, and ten minutes after I posted that he was messaging me. Before we ever even talked on the phone he had a clear picture of my life. I don't know what he thought about polyamory at that time. I never thought he could think negatively about it and still pursue a relationship with me. Maybe he thought we'd have a just-sex relationship and then we didn't? I don't even know.

Anyone with similar stories? Advice to get over it? Advice to make sure it doesn't happen again?
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